XME: The Movie
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: Yesh, this is a parody of XMen: The Movie! JOTT and Evanbashing whenever possible! ROBBY and onesided JOGAN abound! You have been warned!
1. Accents, Contacts, and Hair Dye, Oh My!

**..: Accents, Contacts, and Hair Dye, Oh My:..**

DISCLAIMER: "Great! …Where are we going?"

Okay, one very important thing: the Holocaust is something that should be remembered with the utmost sincerity and seriousness, so that we never make that mistake again. Therefore, I will not be parodying that part of the movie, but will skip ahead to the Kiss of Death.

Without further ado, here is the cast in order of appearance:

Rogue's Mother – Amara Aquilla / Magma

Rogue

David – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Rogue's Father – Roberto DaCosta / Sunspot

Jean Grey

Senator Kelly

Henry Guyrich (Mystique)

Charles Xavier / Professor X

Eric Magnus Lensherr / Magneto

Logan Howlett / Wolverine

Cage Fighter – Evan Daniels / Spyke

Victor Creed / Sabretooth

Ororo Munroe / Storm

Scott Summers / Cyclops

Mortimer Toynbee / Todd Tolesnky / Toad

Kitty Pryde / Shadowcat

Bobby Drake / Iceman

Jubilation Lee / Jubilee

Teleportation-eque Powers Boy – Kurt Wagner / Nightcrawler

Piotr Rasputin / Colossus (Lamest Cameo Ever)

Walking on Water Powers Boy – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

St. John Allerdyce / Pyro

Raven Darkholme / Mystique

Bullet Cop – Evan Daniels / Spyke

Mayor of New York – Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

"PLACES, PEOPLE!" Tabby yelled Frau Farbissina-esquely.

Kurt rubbed his ears. "I thought Forge was the Director," he said.

"Yeah, but I'm unofficially his official Assistant Director," Tabby said. "And I packed Forge off to go get Logan back from Far, Far, Away Land before Rogue gets to Alberta. Now I need Rogue, Remy – you get a bit part as The Boy Who Gets Put in a Coma, aka David. Stop whining, you get to kiss Rogue!"

Remy shut up.

Tabby continued. "…Amara and Robbie in the house STAT!"

"Why should we listen to you?" Bobby said, trying to sound rebellious. However, this is Bobby we're talking about, and it just came out as…dorky.

Tabby held up Forge's latest toy. "He gave it to me as a Congrats For Making Assistant Director, Now Please Don't Murder Me in My Sleep present," she said. "Wow, even as an acronym that's long. How about I just call it Kiriyama?" (1) The toy – present – Kiriyama was (any BR fans?) a machine gun. Except the bullets were liquid-filled capsules.

"…Do we even want to know what's in those?" Kitty asked.

"Well, since you asked," Tabby said with a sadistic smirk (hooray for alliteration!), "The container's water balloon-like, only harder. Hurts when you get hit and has a guaranteed break. (2) And the stuff inside is Scott's cologne."

There was a horrific gasp.

"Completely undiluted," Tabby added.

Amara couldn't have started playing the piano faster.

However, due to the fact that Tabby was standing next to her, holding Kiriyama at the ready, she messed up quite a bit. It wasn't until Tabby moved on to Remy and Rogue that she stopped messing up so much.

ROMY was in Rogue's room, planning a trip to Alaska. "…Niagra Falls, up tha Canadian Rockies, and then it's only a few hundred mahles ta Anchorage."

"CUT!" Tabby yelled, sauntering over to Rogue. "Rogue, you're going to need to lighten up on that accent of yours!" she said cheerfully.

"Lahten up?" Rogue repeated.

"Just a little," Tabby said.

"A little?"

"Okay, a lot," Tabby said.

Rogue gave her A Look.

"Okay, nonexistent," Tabby said.

"Ah am NOT getting' rid of mah accent!" Rogue said.

"Actually, all The Authoress has to do is stop writing it," Tabby said.

"But she's not," Rogue said.

"How do you know?" Tabby said.

"Ah know because Ah am still usin' mah accent," Rogue said.

Tabby shrugged. "Fair enough." Then she grabbed a water gun and sprayed Rogue in the face. "Anna Paquin didn't wear any makeup," she explained, tossing a towel to a soaking wet and livid Rogue. After blow-drying her hair, she covered Rogue's eyes with the towel and sprayed her bangs with some weird hairspray.

Rogue jumped away. "What are yah doin'?" she demanded.

Tabby held up the hairspray. "Forge's invention," she said. "Spray-on hair dye. There's only one way to get it out, and I'm not telling you."

"Couldn' yah just bahye this at a store?" Rogue said.

"Yep," Tabby said.

"So whah did Forge have ta make one?" Rogue demanded.

"Because I was too lazy to go to the store, they probably wouldn't have it in your hair color – they always have everything except the one you need – and Forge wanted to prove that he could make something like spray-on hair dye," Tabby said. She then proceeded to poke Rogue in the eye.

Rogue jerked away again. "Now what?"

"Anna Paquin didn't bother with contacts," Tabby said. "So now you have to."

Rogue then saw the brown contact on Tabby's finger. "No. Way."

Tabby sighed. "Blue, could ya give me a hand here?"

"Kurt, doan!" Rogue yelled.

Kurt sighed. "I feel your pain. I'm doomed to a relationship with Storm. Not that I'm saying that you're not likeable," Kurt added quickly to Ororo.

"No, it's just way too cradle-robbing," Ororo said.

"Actually," Tabby said, "Nightcrawler's been dropped from X-Men 3."

"YES!" Kurt yelled. Then, "I'll hold her arms."

"KURT!" Rogue yelled.

"De lack of makeup is a good t'ing, but Remy agree wit' his _chere_ on dis one," Remy said. "Lose de green eyes? Dat's just not right."

"I agree," Tabby said, putting the contacts back in their case. "I just wanted to see if Kurt would turn on his sister."

"Hey, I'm not in the third or first movie, I'm happy!" Kurt said.

Tabby sighed theatrically. "ACTION!" she yelled FF-esquely. (Frau Farbissina, for those with short attention spans. And don't tell me you don't know who she is.)

Rogue, obviously, had forgotten her line. "…Somethin', somethin', somethin', uh, Anchorage."

"Well, won' it be kind of cold?" Remy asked.

"That's tha point, Swamp Rat," Rogue said. "Otherwahse, it wouldn' be an adventure."

"And when are y' gonna do dis?" Remy said.

Rogue sat down on the bed. "Ah dunno." Remy rolled over so that he was right next to her. "After hahgh school. Befoah college."

Remy leaned in for a kiss. However, due to the fact that Rogue didn't have her power negator on, something weird happened. Usually, when Rogue touches someone, they go negative, and it's like zappy, zappy! They're knocked out. But since this is the movie, instead, the veins in Remy's face started standing out. Freaky? I think yes. Anyway, so he broke the kiss (realizing a little late that something freeaaky was going on) and started gasping for air like a fish out of water.

Downstairs, Amara was still playing the piano when she heard Rogue shriek.

Ya gotta admit, though, that was a nice shriek.

By the time Robbie and Amara had gotten up to Rogue's room, Rogue had backed herself into a corner and was freaking out. "Rogue!" Robbie said, then saw Remy. "What the…?"

"Ah doan know what happened ta him," Rogue sobbed. "Ah doan know what – Ah just touched him. Ah didn' mean ta-"

"Call an ambulance!" Robbie yelled.

Amara tried to comfort Rogue. "Doan touch!" Rogue said.

"Rogue-" Amara started.

"JUST GET AWAY FROM MEH!" Rogue shrieked. Amara ran out to call an ambulance.

The scene changed from Rogue freaking out to Washington, DC, where Jean was giving a speech. All the New Recruits were the people listening to her – or rather, pretending to listen to her while desperately trying not to fall asleep.

Tabby mock-saluted Principal, er, Senator Kelly. "Go ahead, Kelly," she said. "Knock her dead!"

Jean started on her speech. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now seeing the beginnings of a different stage of human evolution. These mutations manifest at puberty, and are often triggered by periods of heightened emotional stress…"

Just about everyone had fallen asleep by now. Only Kelly and M – ister Guyrich were still awake.

"You haven't answered my question," Kelly said. "Three words: Are mutants dangerous?"

"That's an unfair question," Jean said. "The wrong person behind the wheel of a car can be dangerous."

"Well, we do license people to drive," Kelly said.

"Yes, but not to live," Jean said.

"Well, uh…" Kelly grabbed a paper. "I have a list of identified mutants!"

Jubes nudged Bobby. "Why does his list of identified mutants say 'Viagra' at the top in REALLY big letters?" she said. "Bobby?"

Bobby mumbled in his sleep. "Mommy, make my Raggedy Ann doll stop calling me a freak…"

Jubes decided to leave him alone after that.

Kelly "read" off his "list". "Says here a girl in…Illinois can…which freak was she again? Uh…walk through walls! What's to stop her from walking right into the White House? Huh? Huh? HUH?"

Jean opened her mouth, but Kelly cut her off. "The truth is," he said, addressing the mutant…um…haters around him, "Mutants are very real. They live among us. We must know who they are. And above all, we must know what they can do!"

Several loud snores answered him.

Jubes poked Bobby again. "Huh?" Bobby mumbled, still asleep. "Yeah, you go Mr. Slater(3)…that Viagra girl can walk right into a lighthouse…" He started snoring.

Jubes got up and sat down next to Sam, who was trying his hardest not to fall asleep. "If I even try to wake Bobby up, slap me," she said to him.

Xavier, who had been watching from a floor up, noticed Magsy get up and leave. Of course, he had to follow him. "Eric," he said. "What are you doing here?"

Magsy stopped walking. "Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?"

"Don't give up on them, Eric," Xavier said.

"What would you have me do, Charles?" Magsy said. "I've heard these arguments before."

"It was a long time ago," Xavier said. "Mankind has evolved since then."

"Yes," Magsy said, "Into us." He tapped his head. "You sneaking around in here, Charles?" he asked. "Whatever are you looking for?" He turned around.

"I'm looking for hope," Xavier said.

"I will bring you hope, old friend," Magsy said. "And I ask only one thing in return: Don't get in my way." He tipped his hat and walked off. "We are the future, not them. They no longer matter."

Forge drove up in Scott's convertible and hopped out. "What'd I miss?"

Logan got out behind him, took one look at Rogue, and tried to run back to the car.

Tabby grabbed him by the arm. "C'mon, Badger," she said. "It can't be **that** bad."

"I have to like Red," Logan said.

"…Okay, so it **is** that bad," Tabby said. "But you get to beat people up along the way."

Logan rolled his eyes, but walked off.

IN NORTHERN ALBERTA, CANADA…

Rogue had hitched a ride with Kurt the Trucker to Canada. Kurt opened the door on her side. "This is it," he said.

Rogue grabbed her duffel bag and got out. "Where are we?" she said. "Ah thought yah said yah'd take me as far as Laughlin City."

"This is Laughlin City," Kurt said.

Rogue, being completely lost and clearly having one of those Oh-crap-what-have-Ah-gotten-mahself-inta moments, followed Kurt into a bar where there was a cagefight going on. Of course, the New Recruits and everyone else who wasn't used in the movie were the audience. Rogue got to the cage in time to see Ray and Sam drag Todd out of it. Logan was drinking a bottle of beer.

"In all my years, I've never seen anything like that," Lance the Announcer Dude said. "Are you gonna let this man walk away with your money?"

Evan stood up. "I'll fight him!" he yelled.

Lance snorted. "Whatever you do, don't hit him in the balls," he said.

"I thought you said anything goes," Evan said.

"Anything goes, but he'll take it personally," Lance said.

The bell dinged, and Evan got ready to fight.

Logan kept drinking his beer.

So Evan punched Logan a few times while he downed the rest of his beer. Then Logan got annoyed and stopped Evan's fist with his own.

Ouch. Did you hear the metal? Well, typically, you wouldn't, but this is the movie, remember.

And, needless to say, Evan got his ass kicked.

Badly.

As in, the-fight-was-over-in-three-seconds-flat bad.

The bell dinged again. "Ladies and gentlemen," Lance the Announcer Dude said, "Tonight's winner and still champion, the Wolverine!"

Everyone else not used in the movie (let's just call them Evo's, okee?) were supposed to be booing Logan (for winning all their money, because they were stupid enough to bet on everyone else), but they were just too busy laughing at Evan. Ray and Sam were supposed to be dragging him out of the cage, but it was just more fun to watch him drag himself out.

LATER…

Lance was counting his money, Kurt was asleep on a couch, and Rogue was sitting at the bar, staring at the Tip Jar that said "Tipping is NOT a City in China" and (still) thinking, "Oh crap what have Ah gotten mahself inta."

Lance saw her staring at the Tip Jar and her glass of water. "You want something new?" he asked. "Or are you sticking with water?" He moved the Tip Jar further away.

Logan walked over and sat down. "I'll have a beer," he said to Lance, tossing a few bills on the counter.

For some reason, the volume on the TV mysteriously turned up RIGHT when Pietro the Dude on TV started talking about Ellis Island. "…Ellis Island, once the arrival point for thousands of American immigrants, is opening its doors again. Preparations are nearly completed for the upcoming United Nations world summit. With nearly every nation confirmed, the event promises to be the largest single gathering of world leaders in history. The leaders of over 200 nations will discuss issues ranging from the world's economic climate and weapon treaties to the mutant phenomenon and its impact on our world stage. Blah blah blah…in other words, this is FORESHADOWING, so I hope you paid attention!" The TV abruptly shut off.

Logan raised an eyebrow at the TV, shrugged, and got started on another beer. Since Rogue was still in her oh-crap-what-have-Ah-gotten-mahself-inta trance, she was now staring at Logan. Probably because of the metal noise that happened every time he punched Evan.

Speak of the Porcupine…

Evan walked up to Logan and tapped him on the shoulder. "You owe me some money," he said. "No man takes a beating like that without a mark to show for it." Logan ignored him and kept drinking his beer. Evan leaned forward. "I know what you are," he said.

"You lost your money, Porcupine," Logan said. "Keep this up, you'll lose something else." He turned back to his beer.

Evan yanked out a spike. "Look out!" Rogue shrieked.

Logan whirled around and pinned Evan against the wall with two of his claws on either side of his neck. The middle claw slowly slid out and stopped just barely touching Evan's throat.

There was the sound of a gun clicking, and Logan turned to fid that Lance was poking him in the head with a rifle. "Get out of my bar, freak," Lance said.

Logan rolled his eyes, then brought his other arm back and shot his claws out, cutting the rifle in two and holding Lance at claw-point. He glared at both of them, retracted his claws, and walked out of the bar, still glaring at everyone in general. After he left, Rogue glanced around at everyone else, who still hadn't moved, then grabbed her bag and left.

OUTSIDE…

Logan got into his trailer, started the car, lit a cigar, and spent a few minutes staring at his knuckles. Ahem. That would be the Wolverine's brief moment of angst.

He had been driving for a while when he finally heard a thud outside. He got out to the back of the trailer and poked a…thing that had a blanket over it. The thing jumped. Logan tore off the blanket to reveal Rogue's head, her trenchcoat (okay, it's Remy's trenchcoat, but whatever), and her duffel bag. Slick hiding place, no?

"What the hell are you doing?" Logan demanded.

"Ah'm sorrah," Rogue said. "Ah needed a rahde. Thought yah maht help meh."

Logan tossed her duffel bag onto the snow. "Get out."

"Where am Ah supposed ta go?" Rogue said.

"I dunno," Logan said.

"Yah doan know or yah doan care?" Rogue said, hopping out.

"Pick one," Logan said. He turned and walked away.

"Ah saved yoah lahfe," Rogue called.

"No you didn't," Logan said, getting into the car and driving away.

He didn't even get 25 feet.

"Yah doan have anythin' ta eat, do yah?" Rogue asked after he started driving again.

Logan stuck his cigar in his mouth, opened the glove compartment, and pulled out some beef jerky wrapped in foil. Rogue yanked off her gloves and started eating. "Ah'm Rogue," she said.

Logan took a drag on his cigar.

Rogue saw his dogtag. "Were yah in tha army?" she asked. "Doesn' that mean yah were in tha army?"

Logan tucked his dogtag inside his shirt.

Rogue looked back into the rest of the trailer. Needless to say, it wasn't much. "Wow," she said.

"What?" Logan demanded.

"Suddenly mah lahfe doesn' look that bad," Rogue said.

"If you'd prefer the road…" Logan began.

"No, no," Rogue said quickly. "It looks great. Looks cozy." She ate another piece of jerky.

Logan saw her rubbing her hands together to keep them warm. He turned on the heater. "Put yer hands on the heater," he said, reaching for her hand.

Rogue jerked away. "I'm not gonna hurt you, Stripes," he said.

"Yeah, you can't really call her that yet," Forge said.

"Why not?" Logan demanded.

"Because she doesn't have stripes," Forge said.

Logan and Rogue both glanced at her hair and noticed that her hair was completely auburn. "Oh, yeah," Rogue said, glaring at Tabby, who in return winked and patted Kiriyama.

"Just call her 'kid'," Tabby advised. "That's what they call her in the movie."

Logan rolled his eyes. "I'm not gonna hurt you, **kid**," he said.

"It's nothin' personal," Rogue said. "It's just that, when people touch mah skin, somethin' happens."

"What?" Logan asked.

"Ah dunno," Rogue said. "They just get hurt."

"Fair enough," Logan said.

Rogue looked at his hand on the steering wheel. "When they come out," she asked, "Does it hurt?"

"Every time," Logan said. "…So, what kind of a name is Rogue?"

"Ah doan know," Rogue said. "What kahnd of a name is Wolverine?"

"My name's Logan," Logan said.

"Marie," Rogue said. "Yah know, yah should wear yoah seatbelt."

"Look, kid," Logan said. "I don't need advice on auto safety from-" A tree fell in front of the trailer and they crashed. Logan flew out through the windshield and landed several feet away.

Rogue was jerked forward over her seatbelt.

And if things couldn't get worse, a little fire was starting in the back of the trailer. Rogue looked out the windshield at Logan, who was just starting to get to his feet. Rogue tried to get her seatbelt off, but it was stuck.

Logan walked back to the trailer. "You all right?" he asked. The nasty gash on his forehead healed into nothingness. Rogue stared. "Kid, are you all right?" he repeated.

"Ah'm stuck!" Rogue yelled.

Logan wiped the blood off his face, then saw the trunk of the tree that he had crashed into. Obviously, the tree hadn't broken off naturally. Logan sniffed the air, shooting his claws out.

And Sabey burst out of the trees and tackled Logan. Then he threw him into a tree. Then Sabey grabbed a tree and clocked him upside the head. Logan flew up in the air and landed on the hood of the trailer, his claws retracted. Sabey started walking toward the trailer.

Rogue looked back and saw the flames getting worse. Plus, a bit of wire attached to a tank of gas was starting to light up. Rogue struggled with her seatbelt faster.

Sabey was almost at the trailer when he noticed that the wind was starting to pick up. A lot. He turned around and saw Ororo and Scott. Ororo's eyes were completely whited out, instead of the glowy blue thing, and she was wearing her "Future X-Men" uniform (sleeves that went allt he way down and became fingerless gloves, cape attached to her wrist like the 'mics, thigh-high boots…for an image, go to http/ x-men. toonzone. net/ faframes. htm and click on "Storm") Scott was also in his future X-Men uniform (everyone who has a uniform in this has their "future" one, cuz…um, yeah. But that's only Storm, Scott, Jean, and Logan, which is a real pity).

Scott fired a blast at Sabey, but he jumped up and took off into the trees. Scott instead blew up the fallen tree.

The trailer was going to blow any minute. Rogue was really panicking now. Then Scott and Ororo showed up and blasted the seatbelt. Ororo held out her hand, Rogue grabbed it, and they both ran away from the trailer. Scott grabbed Logan off the hood and dragged him away too.

The flames traveled down the wire and got to the gas tank…

And nothing happened.

Forge sighed. "JOHN!" he yelled FF-esquely.

John looked up from where he had just finished refilling his flamethrower with gas. He looked from the burning trailer to his flamethrower. "Oh, you were going to use that?" he asked.

Tabby rolled her eyes and chucked a few bombs into the trailer.

Then it blew up.

* * *

(1) – In the book (and movie) **Battle Royale**, Kazuo Kiriyama's infamous weapon is a machine gun. BTW, if you haven't seen/read either, I highly suggest doing so. However, do neither if you a) don't like gore, b) don't like watching teens killing each other, c) are particularly weak of stomach on graphic violence, d) can't read a book over 300 pages long, e) any of the above. For the rest of you, I highly recommend it. Sure, with 42 students it's confusing, but just keep reading (don't stop and go back, trust me) and you'll understand.

(2) – You know how with some balloons, it doesn't matter how hard you throw it, it just won't break? Yeah, so Tabby's definitely do.

(3) – Kelly Slater…the surfer…Edward Kelly…get it?


	2. Welcome to Mutant High

**..: Welcome to Mutant High :..**

Thanks to **psychobunny410**, **Mercutioslove**, **toddfan**, **EE's Skysong**, **Serini**, **Sangofanatic**, **Rogue14**, **WolvieFanSpell**, and **Cat2Fat900** for reviewing! **Psychobunny410**, I'm not entirely sure if they'd have "Battle Royale" in a library. It's originally in Japanese (there's an English translation, of course), and pretty violent. Then again, I've never checked for it at a library. I just borrow my friend's. **Toddfan**, Forge'll get a cameo in X3? AWESOME! They better not cut him… **Skysong**, Remy's going to be Harry Potter? REMY IS GOING TO BE HARRY POTTER? Do you know how many issues Potter has? "I – DON'T – WANT – TO – BE – HUMAN!" But…whatever. Dude! I know, the whole Kitty thing bugged me. And Jubes. And John. And Piotr. You'll see my rant. OMG that parody sounds so funny! **Cat2Fat900**, yep, the APLBPN is MIA. Or someone stole it…and I think I know who. I know, JOGAN…(shudders)…I pity Logan oh so much. And that's also why Tabby has Kiriyama. The dude who played Sabes in the movie (Tyler Mane, I believe) was a professional wrestler, so that's probably why he's not so great as an actor. Which seems kinda like an oxymoron, but with wrestling, you reeeally have to overact. Like The Rock, ya know? But I think Ray Park (the dude who played Toad) rocketh! He's like an über cool martial artist! 2nd degree blackbelt, I think. Yes, the incident with Evan was tragic. Tragic he didn't die!

Thank you also to Serini, who kindly pointed out to me that Bobby/Rogue is called ROBBY, not BOGUE. Which is a good thing, because ROBBY doesn't sound as…blechhhh.

DISCLAIMER: "Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get. And then you have to get medieval on someone's buttocks."

* * *

Todd was spraying some…weird…thing with paint when Sabey-

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

Fine, Sabes walked in. "Hey, weren't you supposed to bring something back with you?" Todd asked.

Sabes roared at him.

"Touchy," Todd muttered.

Sabes walked into Magsy's-

"If he gets his nickname changed, so do I!"

Would you rather be called Maggie?

"…"

That's what I thought. Over Magsy's desk, five metal balls were swinging back and forth. "What happened?" Magsy demanded.

"They knew," Sabes said.

Magsy pulled back his metal chair (with a REALLY loud scraping sound, I might add), and sat down. "Charles," he muttered. He magnetically yanked Logan's dogtag off Sabes's neck and looked at it, then down at the number tattooed on his arm. "Where is the mutant now?" he asked.

Pietro sped in. "You'll notice my dear old dad said 'the mutant', not 'Logan' or even 'he'," he said. "Meant to confuse you? Oh yeah." And he sped out.

Magsy and Sabes blinked.

Pietro sped back in. "Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, I'm unofficially the official Foreshadowing/Plot Hint Pointer-Outer Guy," he added. "…Why don't I get a cool gun?"

"Because a) you're an albino, b) your old man wears a bucket on his head, c) your best friend's such a hood, and d) the Authoress doesn't deem you worthy of being able to have a gun," Tabby said.

"I get a gun in Kill Bill," Pietro said.

"You shoot X23 in the head," Tabby said.

"…So?"

"SHE HAS AN ADAMANTIUM SKULL!" Tabby yelled. "And your heart explodes."

"At least I don't get **both **of my eyes snatched out," Pietro said.

"That's because **I** look better in a slutty nurse outfit," Tabby said. "And at least I don't get killed by a hateful bitch."

"That's because you **are** the hateful bitch," Lance said. "And at least I don't get killed in front of my own daughter."

"Something tells me I'm going to end up being the daughter," Jubes muttered.

"Well, at least I don't get the top of my skull chopped off," Amara snapped.

"At least Ah'm not an insane teenager whose wardrobe of preference is a schoolgirl unifoahm," Rogue said.

"Yeah, but I get a **really **cool ball and chain!" Kitty said. (1)

"Can we get back to the movie?" Sabes demanded.

"Touchy," Pietro muttered, but sped out.

"Where's the mutant now?" Magsy asked again, magnetically shutting the door before Pietro could speed in…again.

"With them," Sabes said.

Magsy looked down at the dogtag one last time. "I have made the first move," he said. "That is all they know." He tossed the dogtag on the desk and got up to leave. "Come, the U.N. summit is approaching. Time for our little test."

Sabes went back and grabbed the dogtag. The swinging metal balls finally clattered to the floor.

IN THE INSTITUTE'S INFIRMARY…

Logan was lying down on one of the tables, unconscious. Well, not completely; his eyes were flickering around a lot under their lids. That's called REM.

Jean walked in with a tray. She set it down on a table and walked around to the other side Logan, spending a few moments examining his knuckles. Then she took the opportunity to show off her TK, levitating a needle bottle thingie over from the tray. She stuck the needle into Logan's arm…

And Logan woke up and jumped off the table, holding Jean by the throat. The he noticed that a) she looked pretty harmless, b) she was wearing one of those doctor coats, and c) he was in an empty hospital room. So he let her go and ran out the door.

Of course, once he got out into the subbasement, he was completely lost. He ripped off the little sticky pads that monitor your heart rate and such off his chest and the needle out of his arm, then walked over to where Rogue's, Bobby's, Scott's, Jean's, Ororo's, and his uniforms were hanging.

_Where is he going?_ a voice whispered in his head.

Logan whirled around, but saw an empty hallway. Duh, I just said the voice was in his head!

He turned back to the uniforms, saw an open wardrobe full of sweats, grabbed a sweatshirt, and put it on.

"…Something tells me this is Stripes's," he said.

The sweatshirt was dark green, for one. For another, the sleeves went down to just above his elbows, and were beyond skintight on him. And, to top it all off, the shirt itself barely even cleared his pecs. Tabby snorted and took a picture, then tossed him the right sweatshirt.

Logan put it on and walked down a random hallway. _Where are you going?_ the same voice asked him.

Logan spun around, saw an empty hallway, and hid himself in a little dip in the wall. The elevator next to him slid open. _Over here_, the voice whispered. Logan cautiously walked into the elevator, only to have it close behind him.

It reopened in another hallway – only this one wasn't so metal and shiny. It looked like a normal hallway in a normal house – albeit a house with an elevator. Logan walked out, glancing around for anyone who might be coming.

_Where are you going?_

_This way._

_He's over there._

Logan ran down the hall and hid next to a window, poking his head out to see if anyone was coming.

"He looks like a cross between a paranoid Easter Bunny and a sniper on the run from a yakuza's assassin," Bobby noted.

"…Nice analogy," Forge said. "But aren't you supposed to be in the Prof's class?"

Jubes and Kitty popped up. "Like, there you are!" Kitty said to Bobby.

"The Prof sent us to go look for you," Jubes said. They both grabbed an arm and started dragging him away.

"But I shouldn't even be studying Physics!" Bobby wailed. "I'm taking Earth Science, remember? EARTH SCIENCE!" His screams echoed down the hall as he was led away.

"Actually," Forge said, "Considering Scott and Jean already graduated from Bayville High, then that would mean that Bobby'd be taking Biology now." (2)

Logan shrugged, since his memory definitely didn't stretch far back enough to his schooldays. Then he heard kids yelling.

"Let's go!" Robbie yelled.

"What's your hurry?" Ray yelled back.

"Why are we yelling?" Rahne yelled.

"Good question!" Sam yelled.

Logan ran over to some doors across from him, found out they were locked, and hid behind a post as Robbie, Ray, Rahne, and Sam ran by. He heard another door opening, jumped over a couch, darted inside a room and shut the door…then realized that said room wasn't empty. He turned around to see Jubes, Dani, John, Bobby, and Kitty staring at him. "You're not a dream?" Dani asked. (3)

Oh, did I mention that John was blond?

"Good morning, Logan," Xavier said from behind his desk. "So, I'd like your definitions of weak and strong anthropic principles on my desk on Wednesday," he said to the X-Kids.

"I'm not a kid!" John said indignantly. "I can drink, damnit!"

"Dis is **America**, _mon ami_," Remy said lazily.

John glared, but got up with the rest of the X-Kids to leave, still sulking about being blond. Kitty was almost at the door when she realized she had forgotten her bag. Funny how she's the only one with a bag.

Kitty picked up her bag from next to her chair. "Bye, Professor," she said.

"Bye, Kitty," Xavier said. Kitty ran out through the closed door. Logan stared at the door, then looked back at Xavier, clearly thinking, "WTF?"

Xavier held up a textbook. "Physics," he said, as if that explained everything. "I'm Charles Xavier. Would you like some breakfast?"

"Where am I?" Logan asked.

"Westchester, New York," Xavier said, wheeling out from behind his desk. "You were attacked. My people brought you here for medical attention."

"I don't need medical attention," Logan said.

"Yes, of course," Xavier said with a nod.

Logan looked around the now-empty room. "Where's Stripes?"

"The girl," Forge stage whispered.

Logan ignored him.

"Rogue?" Xavier said. "She's here. She's fine."

"Really," Logan said, clearly not trusting him.

The door opened, and Ororo and Scott walked in. "Ah, Logan, I'd like you to meet Ororo Munroe, also called Storm," Xavier said. "That's Scott Summers, also called Cyclops."

"Hello," Scott said, holding out his hand.

Logan down at his hand, then gave him a ya-gotta-be-kidding-me-bub Look.

"They saved your life," Xavier said. Jean walked in. "I believe you've already met Dr. Jean Grey." Jean walked past Logan to stand next to Xavier. "You're in my school for the gifted. For mutants. You'll be safe here from Magneto."

"What's a Magneto?" Logan asked.

"A very powerful mutant who believes that a war is brewing between mutants and the rest of humanity," Xavier said. "I've been following his activities for some time."

"STALKER!" Magsy yelled.

Forge eyed him oddly. "You do realize how much you sounded like a 7th grade girl just then, right?"

Magsy eyed Forge's prosthetic arm. "You do realize that prosthetic arm of yours is made of metal, right?"

Forge meeped and hid his arm behind his back.

"The man who attacked you is an associate of his called Sabretooth," Xavier continued.

"Sabretooth," Logan growled.

Sabes popped up. "Wolverine," he growled. Then, "You better **bring it**!"

"Oh, it has already been **broughten**!" Logan yelled. They leaped at each other…

And started a catfight.

They slapped at each other for about five full minutes before Sabes yowled like a cat that got drenched by a hose. "Oh. My. Gawd," he said. "Logan, look at this nail!" (4) He held up his pinky nail, which now had a chip in it.

A chip one tenth the size of a grain of sand.

Sabes lower lip started trembling. "You broke my nail!" he wailed, then turned and ran out, crashing through the wall.

Tabby picked up her manicure case and Kiriyama. "I'll go get him," she said, blowing up another hole in the wall and walking out.

"STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SCHOOL!" (5) Xavier yelled after them.

"…Well, that was normal and totally not weird at all," Forge said.

"Watch it, bub," Logan said. Then pointed at Ororo. "Storm," he said, clicking his tongue. He turned to Xavier. "What do they call you, Wheels? This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." He walked to the door, except Scott was still standing in front of it. "Slim, right?" Logan grabbed Scott by the collar. "Wanna get outta my way?"

Scott looked down at his collar, then over to Xavier, as if to say, "Uh…what do I do?" Well, that or, "HELP ME!" You can't really tell with those glasses of his.

"Logan, it's been almost 15 years, hasn't it?" Xavier asked. "Living from day to day, moving from place to place with no memory of who or what you are."

Logan spun around. "Shut up," he snapped.

"Give me a chance," Xavier said. "I may be able to help you find some answers."

"How do you know?" Logan demanded.

_You're not the only one with gifts_, Xavier tele-spoke.

_Where are you going?_

_Where's he going?_

_What are you doing here?_

"…What is this place?" Logan asked.

The scene cut to the basketball courts while Xavier explained via voice-over. _"Anonymity is a mutant's first chance against the world's hostility."_

Kurt stole the ball from Evan, ported to the hoop, and slam dunked.

"Hey, man, no powers!" Evan yelled.

Piotr, in the Lamest Cameo Ever, was drawing a picture of the courtyard. Seriously, you only saw him for a split second. What's up with that?

"_To the public, we're merely a school for gifted youngsters."_

Ray and Sam raced, or rather, Ray ran along the concrete while Sam Cannonballed over the pond.

"_Cyclops, Storm, and Jean were some of my first students."_ Jean held her hand over stacks of plastic disks, using her TK to send them flying at Scott. _"I protected them, taught them to control their powers…"_ Scott blasted them all out of the air. _"…And it time, teach others to do the same."_

The scene changed to Ororo teaching History. On the chalkboard behind her, it said, "THE ROMAN EMPIRE." _"These students are mostly runaways. Frightened, alone, some with gifts so extreme that they've become a danger to themselves and to those around them."_ Logan, who was watching the class through a window, saw Rogue sitting next to Jubes. _"Like your friend, Rogue."_ Kitty leaned across Jubes to tell Rogue something. _"Incapable of physical human contact, probably for the rest of her life."_

John, who was sitting in front of Rogue, took the opportunity to show off, making a fireball behind his back. Rogue stared. Kinda like the time when she and Remy met for the first time, and Remy almost blew her up by giving her the charged card and taking off. Yeah. That stare. It kinda made Remy more than a little jealous, which was exactly what John was trying to do. Out of sheer boredom and spite. And the fact that he was now a blond. _"And yet here she is with others her own age, learning, being accepted, not feared."_

Bobby, who was sitting at the table next to Rogue's, decided to show off, too. Or get John in trouble. Or both. He sent a beam of ice at John's fireball, turning it into a frozen fireball. Which John could no longer control. John closed his fist, and the frozen fireball dropped and shattered behind John's chair.

Storm whirled around from writing on the chalkboard. "John!"

"Sorry," John said meekly.

"Yeah, it looks cooler when you do it in the movie," Jubes said to Bobby.

"Shut up," Bobby snapped.

"Oh no he didn't!" Rogue said, complete with the snaps.

"Don't go there, girlfriend!" Bobby said, complete with the talk-to-the-hand. Then he realized what he had just said and whimpered. Rogue shuddered.

"Like, why is everyone talking so totally weird?" Kitty asked Jubes.

"Because this is the movie," Jubes said wisely.

"Ohhhh," Kitty said, as if that explained everything. Which it actually did.

Jubes turned back to Bobby. "By the way, aren't you supposed to be doing some flirting right now?" she said.

"I thought you'd be upset about this," Bobby said.

"Hey, **I** don't have to kiss anyone," Jubes said. "Plus, Kitty and I both have pixie cuts, John is blond, and Piotr looks more like a flimsy sensitive artist than a sensitive artistic powerhouse! That tends to bring out the sadistic side in you. But I do like the sunglasses," she added, patting said black sunglasses that were on her head. (6)

Bobby gulped, but turned to Rogue. "I'm Bobby," he said to her. "What's your name?"

"Rogue," Rogue said.

"_What'll happen to her?" _Logan asked.

"_Well, that's up to her. Rejoin the world as an educated young woman…or stay on to teach others…to become what the children have affectionately called X-Men."_

Bobby reached over and made a rose on Rogue's desk. "Welcome to Mutant High," he said.

Rogue slid the rose over to Jubes.

"Ah, keep it," Jubes said breezily. "The ballerina he made me was much better."

"_But the school is merely a public face."_ The scene changed to Scott and Jean and the rest of the Evo's in the garage. Scott was explaining how to work a motorcycle. More particularly, Logan's motorcycle.

"That's…my…bike," Logan growled.

"You're the only one who uses it, anyway," Forge said.

"_The lower levels, however, are an entirely different matter."_

The scene cut back to Logan and Xavier, who had just entered the hangar. Logan stared at the X-Jet. "Where's the Velocity?" he asked.

Forge shrugged.

Xavier kept talking. "When I was a boy, I discovered I had the power to control people's minds, make them think or do whatever I wanted. When I was 17, I met a young man named Eric Lensherr. He, too had an unusual power."

Logan walked by more of Rogue's, Bobby's, Scott's, Jean's, Ororo's, and his uniforms hanging in their glass cases. How many uniforms do these people have? Well, they DO get torn up every so often.

"He could create magnetic fields and control metal. Believing that humanity would never accept us, he grew angry and vengeful. He became Magneto."

"I know, Chuck," Logan said. "I met him **way** before you did."

The scene cut to Xavier and Logan walking past the dorm rooms. "There are mutants out there with incredible power, Logan," Xavier said. "And many who do not share my respect for mankind. If no one is equipped to oppose them, humanity's days could be over. I'll make a deal with you, Logan. Give me 48 hours to find out what Magneto wants with you-"

Pietro zipped in, coughed, and zipped out.

"-and I give you my word that I will use all my power to help you piece together what you've lost and what you're looking for."

* * *

(1) – Yep, I'll be parodying **Kill Bill**. It'll be an XIETRO, and truly insane. And there's the DiVAS…plus Gogo. In case you're not sure who's who, Kitty's Gogo, Rogue's Cottonmouth, Amara's Copperhead, Lance's Sidewinder, Tabby's California Mountain Snake, Pietro's Snake Charmer, and X23's Black Mamba. Kurt'll probably be Johnny Mo/Pai Mei, and Jean'll probably be Sofie Fatale. Or should I use Belladonna? And I still dunno who BB'll be.

(2) – I have no clue if this is true for Bayville High; I'm just basing this on my high school. It goes Physical Science, Biology, Chemistry, then Physiology, AP Phsyics, AP Biology, or AP Chemistry for your senior year, depending on what career you're leaning toward.

(3) – Sorry, just couldn't help it! From the eppie "Ghost of a Chance" (the only one with Dani in it).

(4) – Becky, look at her butt! Sir Mix-A-Lot's song "Baby Got Back". Oh and the "bring it" and "broughten" is from **Not Another Teen Movie**, which I will be parodying sometime.

(5) – If you don't know where this quote is derived from, I pity you ever so much.

(6) – Another rant of mine about the movie. Jubes, Kitty, John, and Piotr TOTALLY change between the two movies (cuz they all have different actors). The most noticeable is John, since he gets a much bigger role in X2. In X1, he has blond hair in that weird kinda bowlheadish style. In X2, he has longer brown hair. Not to mention the total face change. Onto Piotr. X1: You see .5 of a second of his face, but he looks nothing like the more powerhouse-esque guy (totally sans-accent) in X2 (who doesn't even look like he belongs in high school, but whatever). Kitty's turn. X1: cute little pixie cut, reddish-auburn hair, looks pretty innocent. X2: Did she just de-age three years? Her hair is now just above shoulder length, and I do believe she's gotten shorter. And Jubes. X1: it's clearly obvious who she is, since the sunglasses (so they're not goggles, but she wears them in her hair), short hair, earrings, and (especially) yellow jacket are refs to the canon Jubes. And she's obviously Asian. X2: _Pardonnez-moi, mais c'est qui?_ She's ditched the yellow jacket and sunglasses, and grown out her hair into some weird crooked ponytail. I didn't recognize her until the second-to-last scene of the movie, when I saw her earrings. She originally had a short scene all on her own in the movie, but it was cut. Which is a pity.

Um…yeah. That one got weird. Don't ask. Really. But do review!


	3. Oh I Wish I Were an Oscar Mayer Mutant

**..: Oh I Wish I Were an Oscar Mayer Mutant :..**

About the title: The title is always the last thing I do for the chappie, for some odd reason. And an Oscar Mayer commercial just happened to be playing.

Thanks to **Cat2Fat900**, **EE's Skysong**, **psychobunny410**, and **crystalwish** for reviewing! **CF**, I TOTALLY agree about the Statue of Liberty thing. That gives me an idearr…hehehe. Because of all the JOGAN, I think I've accidentally turned Logan into a homicidal maniac bent on murdering Jean whenever possible…oh well. Ooh I'm American! (waves) I live in Cali, though. Yeah, I've never seen Kill Bill on any of the movie channels, but I think Bravo showed Pulp Fiction once. I recommend renting the DVDs. Oh, and the Lame Cameo Dude was Piotr. I didn't realize it was him until the second time I saw the movie, and was all, "Ohh! He's DRAWING!" **Skysong**, yeah, Johnny-boy was blond in the comics, but it worked in the comics. In the movie, he looked kinda…stupid…I dunno why, but surfer comes to mind for some reason. And Evo John…with blond hair…THAT is just not right. In my opinion, everyone can be a "meep" person when that intimidated. But that's just me. **Psychobunny**, destroying the mansion is fun! In the VG X-Men: Legends, with the Juggernaut flashback, I like taking forever to kill him just so he'll destroy the place…and in the DR sessions with the mansion, I like destroying furniture. Aww BR isn't at your library? That sucks. It'd probably be at any bookstore, although I'm not sure which genre…but the manga should definitely be there. Not that I've read the manga, I'm not entire sure it's even in English…if you ever find it in a bookstore or something, I recommend reading it! You'd probably have to buy it, though; it's pretty long.

DISCLAIMER: "Little Miss Run-Home-To-My-Daddy…ran home to her daddy."

* * *

Kelly and Guyrich got out of a limo and walked to a helicopter, surrounded by cheering crowds bearing signs saying things like "Send Mutants to the Moon" and holding up effigies with "Mr. Mutant" signs around the necks. After waving to the crowd for a while, Kelly finally got in and the ashyish-paleish-skinned pilot took off.

Inside the copter, Kelly was on the phone with a senator. "Senator, listen, you favor gun registration, right? Well, some of these so-called children possess much more than ten times the destructive force of any handgun. No, I don't see a difference. All I see are weapons in our schools. Well, that's fair enough. All right." And he hung up.

"So?" Guyrich asked.

Kelly tossed the cell phone to Guyrich, who put it in his jacket. "It's gonna be close," Kelly said. "A vote this loaded is always close."

"What about the U.N. summit?" Guyrich asked. "The whole world will be watching. Maybe there's some way you could use that to your advantage."

"We're Americans, Henry," Kelly said.

Beast popped up. "Someone say my name?"

"NO," Forge said.

"Oh, okay," Beast said, and popped back out.

"Let the rest of the damn world deal with mutants in their own way," Kelly said. "You know this situation? These mutants?" He looked out the window. "People like this Jean Grey? If it were up to me, I'd lock them all away."

Guyrich twitched.

"It's a war," Kelly continued. "It's the reason people like me exist." He looked down out the window again and saw that they were flying over water. "Where the hell are we?" He turned back in time to see Guyrich finish morphing into Mystique. No, she did not have scales, and no, she was not just about naked. Because in my opinion, it works on Rebecca Romijn, but Evo-Mystique…ew. "PILOT!" Kelly yelled, getting up.

Mystique pushed him back down with her foot and wrapped both around his head. "You know, people like you are the reason I was afraid to go to school as a child," she said. She kicked him across the face several times before he got knocked out, then walked into the cockpit and climbed into the copilot's seat. Sitting in the pilot's seat, Todd grinned.

BACK IN THE INSTITUTE'S INFIRMARY…

This time, Logan was in for X-Rays. Fun fun fun! Jean had finished putting more of those sticky pads that CF hates so much on him. "I'm sorry," Logan said.

"For what?" Jean asked.

"For not tearing out your jugular when I had the chance," Logan said.

"That's so not the line, but I agree," Forge said. Everyone else nodded in assent.

Jean glared at them and ripped off the sticky pads as hard as she could.

"SON OF A-!" (1)

"Logan, watch your language!" Ororo yelled.

"All I said was son of a," Logan said.

Jean pressed a button on a machine, and Logan slid into the X-Ray thingie.

Inside the X-Ray thingie, there were seven glass panels surrounding Logan. The top would light up, then the next two, then the next two, then the next two, while Jean looked on the monitor of the machine outside.

"The metal is an alloy called adamantium," Jean explained to Xavier, Scott, and Ororo later while they stared at the X-Ray pictures. "Supposedly indestructible, it's been surgically grafted to his entire skeleton."

"How could he have survived a procedure like that?" Ororo asked.

"His mutation," Jean said. "He has uncharted regenerative capability, which enables him to heal rapidly. This also makes his age impossible to determine. He could very well be older than you, Professor."

"That's more than a little obvious," Xavier said, "Considering he was in WWII."

"Who did this to him?" Scott asked.

"He doesn't know," Jean said. "Nor does he remember anything about his life before it happened.

"Experimentation on mutants," Xavier murmured. "It's not unheard of. But I've never seen anything like this before."

"What do you think Magneto wants with him?" Scott asked.

"I'm not entirely sure it's him Magneto wants," Xavier said.

Pietro zoomed in. "AHEM!" he coughed very loudly, and zoomed back out.

AT MAGNETO'S SECRET BASE…

Kelly finally came to. The first thing he saw was Mystique glaring at him. He looked behind him and saw Sabes glaring at him. He looked to his left and saw Todd glaring at him.

A little nightingale cooed on a branch not too far from Todd. Todd opened his mouth, grabbed the bird, and brought his tongue back in. Still glaring at Kelly, he ate the rest of the feathers sticking out of his mouth. "Tastes like chicken, yo," he said cheerfully.

"Ewwwwwwwwww," Kelly said.

"Toad has a wicked tongue, Senator," Magsy said, walking up from behind to stand in front of him with Mystique. "Just like you."

"Who are you people?" Kelly demanded. "Where's Henry?"

"Mr. Guyrich has been dead for some time, Senator," Magsy said. "But I've had Mystique here keep you company. She takes so many shapes."

"Whatever you do to me," Kelly said, "You'll make me right. Every word I've spoken will be confirmed."

Mystique grinned sadistically, then went to stand by Sabes. They both faced the other way and kept their arms crossed, glaring.

"Are you a God-fearing man, Senator?" Magsy asked. "That's such a strange phrase. I've always thought of God as a teacher, as a bringer of light, wisdom and understanding. You see, I think what you really are afraid of is me. Me and my kind. The Brotherhood of Mutants."

Magsy turned and walked toward the weird machine thingie. Kelly, who was strapped into a metal chair, followed him. "Though it's not so surprising, really," Magsy continued. "Mankind has always feared what it doesn't understand." Magsy held up a hand, and the chair stopped moving. "Well, don't fear God, Senator, and certainly don't fear me," Magsy said, walking into the machine thingie. "Not anymore."

"What do you intend to do to me?" Kelly asked.

Magsy started rising in the machine. "Let's just say God works too slowly," he said. He rose up into the spinning blade part and clamped his hands down on the posts. The blades started spinning faster and faster and faster and faster and faster and – well, you get the idea.

And then that freeeaky radiation stuff started pouring out of the top and bottom, met in the middle, and spread. Past Kelly, past Toad, past Sabes and Mystique…oddly enough, only Kelly seemed to be affected by it. Gee, I wonder why.

Pietro ran in, said "AHEM!" very loudly, glanced at Kelly (who was screaming his head off) oddly, did the same for his dad (who looked like he was going to pass out or crack one off or something), and ran back out.

And then the freeeaky radiation stuff stopped.

"…WOW," Todd said. "Let's do that again!" (2)

BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…

Jean was showing Logan his room. "I think you'll be comfortable here," she said, turning on a lamp.

"Where's your room?" Logan asked.

"With Scott down the hall," Jean said.

"Then I can murder both of you in your sleep," Logan muttered diabolically.

"What?" Jean asked.

"Um, I said, then both of you must have good-smelling feet," Logan said.

"…Okay," Jean said with a shrug.

Logan opened his wardrobe. "Is that your gift?" he asked. "Putting up with that guy?"

"Actually, it's putting out," Jean said.

"THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Logan yelled, running frantically in circles around the room and banging his head on random things.

"Someone get the sedative!" Forge yelled. Kurt bamfed in and handed him the bri – I mean, sedative. Forge then slammed the sedative against Logan's skull the next time he ran by, rendering him unconscious.

THIRTY SECONDS LATER…

Logan popped back up, rubbing the back of his head. "I feel like I just got hit on the head by a brick," he said.

"No, you just had a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster," Forge said. (3)

"…Riiiight," Logan said, having never read that book.

Jean went on to talk about her powers. "Actually, I'm telekinetic," she said. "I can move things with my mind."

"Really?" Logan said. "What kinds of things?"

Jean TK'dly shut the wardrobe door. "All kinds of things. I also have some telepathic ability."

"What, like Chuck?" Logan asked.

"Can't call him that yet…" Forge muttered.

They ignored him. "Nowhere near that powerful," Jean said. "But he's teaching me to develop it."

"I'm sure he is," Logan said. "So read my mind."

"I'd rather not," Jean said.

"What, you afraid you might like it?" Logan said.

"I doubt it," Jean said. But she read his mind anyway.

WHAT JEAN SAW…

For one thing, everything had a greenish tinge to it. Like they were using rancid water or something.

But that's not the important part. There were also scientist/doctor/surgeon/whatevers standing over a big glass tub. And in the tub, with pen markings all over him, was…Logan!

BACK IN THE REAL WORLD…

Pietro ran in. "That is a hint," he said. "…For the sequel!" And he ran out.

"Don't remind me," Logan said with a shudder. He looked at Jean and shuddered again.

Scott came in. "Scott!" Jean said, sounding pretty surprised for someone who's supposedly psychic. "Good night, Logan," she said, and walked out.

"You gonna tell me to stay away from your girl?" Logan asked Scott.

"If I had to do that, she wouldn't be my girl," Scott said.

"Well, then, I guess you got nothing to worry about, do you, Slim?" Logan said.

"Yeah, it must just burn you up that a boy like me saved your life, huh?" Scott said.

"You're a boy scout, that's your purpose in life," Logan said airily. Obviously, it didn't "burn him up". At all.

"Well," Scott said. "Stay away from my girl."

Jean came storming back. "Your girl? YOUR GIRL?" she demanded. "What, am I your PROPERTY now? I BELONG to you? Am I like your SLAVE or something? Is THAT how you see it, Scott? Is it? Huh? I am NOT your PROPERTY, I don't BELONG to anyone but myself. I'M A FEMINIST, DAMNIT!" And with that rant, she stormed out.

"…That was totally normal and not weird at all," Forge said.

* * *

(1) – I actually have no idea if those hurt when you rip them off (I've never had that experience), but to my best knowledge, just about anything that is sticky and adhesive to one's skin hurts at least a little when ripped off.

(2) – Gee, I wonder where this is from?

(3) – After seeing the last half hour of **The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy** while waiting for Star Wars to start in the next theater, I felt obligated to start reading the books. I'm only on chappie 13 or so, but whatever. Anyway, according to the Guide, the best drink in the known universe is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. It has the effect of having your brains smashed out with a lemon…wrapped around a large gold brick. And yes, the sedative/brick bit is from **Skysong**. I don't know which ficcie it originated in, though.

Yeah, it was kinda short. Sowwies! But do review!


	4. Teachers Are Funny When They Stab People

**..: Teachers Are Funny When They Stab People :..**

I have a Happy Bunny wristband that says "Teachers are funny when they yell." The title's a variation on that. Weird, I know.

Thank you to **EE's Skysong**, **psychobunny410**, **crystalwish**, and **todd fan** for reviewing! **Skysong**, I can't find the ficcie…or the author. Stupid search engines are pretty crappy. Eishk, an allergy doctor? I only have to go to the doctor's for check-ups or over the summer (cuz of cheerleading). But I do hate getting blood tests (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, and heart attacks run in my family). Ya know, last time I got one, the nurse was an intern, so she used a bigger needle. It hurt! Not like it doesn't always hurt, but my arm felt like über sore after. Plus it bled more. Icky. OMG, when I read the penguin thing in HHGTTG, I was cracking up so hard! Ford makes me laugh. Arthur makes me sad that I'm an Earthling. Zaphod makes me…glad I'm not whatever Zaphod is. **Psychobunny**, Todd hasn't said it before, but it was in one of my parodies. Ooh, thanks for the tripping suggestion! I read your review right when I was working on this one part…plus one of those annoying Movie Surfer things on Disney Channel was on…it was one of the ones for Sky High. The movie looks more than a little stupid, BTW. I mean, honestly. Warren Peace? He's the son of a superhero and an evil villain, and that's the best name you can give him? Especially since he looks like a rebel and generally pretty disturbed boy. Anyway, those two things inspired what I did in this chappie. Tee-hee.

You wanna know a random fact about me? I love **Not Another Teen Movie**. I think Sam Huntington (Ox) is hilarious. I've seen the movie **Jungle 2 Jungle** just about every time it's been on Disney Channel. And yet I did not realize that that was Sam until a few weeks ago! I was looking up stuff on Sam Huntington and was like, "So THAT'S where I've seen him!" I know, I'm pathetic.

DISCLAIMER: "His name's Mimi-Siku. Roughly translated, it means 'cat piss.'"

* * *

Rogue, who was apparently suffering from insomnia, could hear Logan having a bad dream a few doors down. So she decided to check it out.

Logan was tossing and turning and mumbling incoherently in his sleep. Rogue bent over him. "Logan," she said. She could've covered her hand and poked him awake or something, but obviously she wasn't thinking.

Logan was having a bad dream about that one time when he got injected with all the adamantium and stuff.

_-Creepy surgeon guy with a Vader-esque breathing mask and a really long syringe-_

Logan twitched.

_-Logan submerged underwater-_

_-Logan on a table in front of several people-_

"Logan. Logan, wake up," Rogue said, her hand hovering over his face. It's called COVERING IT AND TOUCHING HIM!

_-Several long syringes with huge tubes for injecting things-_

_-Something that looked like molten lead on fire-_

_-Logan on a table underwater-_

_-Blurry figures with champagne flutes-_

_-Barney playing on the TV-_

_-Logan's entire body marked up with lines for cutting open-_

_-A surgeon injecting the first syringe-_

Logan woke with a start, then a yell, then a stab, then he was okay.

Wait, what was that last one?

Oh yeah, he stabbed Rogue through the chest.

To break it down, he woke up, he freaked out, he thought he was still in dream land, he saw Rogue, he thought she was someone else, they both screamed, he ran his claws through her chest.

Logan immediately retracted his claws when he realized that he had just stabbed her. Rogue was busy gasping for air.

Logan freaked out. "Help me!" he yelled. "Somebody help!"

Then Rogue grabbed his face.

All the veins started standing out on Logan's face, as well as the veins on Rogue back where her stab marks were. Yeah. Her nightgown is conveniently designed to have that part of her back completely bare. Go figure.

While both Rogue and Logan gasped for air, Bobby, Roberto, Sam, Ray, Evan, Rahne, Amara, Todd, Lance, and Wanda came running down and crowded in Logan's doorway to see what was happening.

Scott, Jean, and Ororo came running in just in time to see the wounds on Rogue's back heal up and disappear. Rogue let go of Logan, and he collapsed on the floor.

Jean ran over to pick Logan up. "Scott, grab a pillow," she said.

Rogue turned to Ororo. "It was an accident," she said, and ran out of there. All the Evo's parted in front of her like Moses and the Red Sea. Bobby had a "Whoaaaaaaa" look on his face.

THE NEXT DAY…

Logan was in his bed. "Logan?" Xavier said.

Logan had finally come to. "What happened?" he asked. "Is she all right?"

"She'll be all right," Xavier assured him.

"What did she do to me?" Logan said.

"When Rogue touches someone, she takes their energy, their life force," Xavier explained. "In the case of mutants, she absorbs their gifts for a short while. In your case, your ability to heal."

Logan groaned. "I feel like she almost killed me," he said.

"If she'd held out any longer, she could have," Xavier said.

BACK AT MAGNETO'S BASE…

Kelly was stuck in a cell several feet above the water. He heard a door opening further down, and hit his head against the bars.

He was probably very shocked to realize that his head was sliding out in between the bars. After sliding a little further and looking kind of alike a particularly ugly fish, he pulled his head back.

He turned when he heard another door open, turned back to the bars, and this time slid his head all the way through. Freeeaky, no?

FURTHER OUTSIDE KELLY'S CELL…

Metal plates were flying up from a tower in front of a waterfall to line themselves up in front of Magsy's feet as he and Sabes walked over to Kelly's cell. Bending the bars open, Magsy walked in. "How are we feeling, Senator?" he asked. "Advanced, I hope." He looked around, saw Kelly's shoes on the floor, then looked at the bars opposite the ones he walked in through.

Magsy held out a hand and magnetically yanked the entire panel of bars away, then bent over the new window to see Kelly clinging on to the rock wall just below. "What the hell have you done to me?" Kelly demanded.

Magsy laughed. "Senator, this is pointless," he pointed out. "Where would you go? Who would take you in now that you're one of us?"

Magsy laughed and stepped back from the window so Sabes could pull Kelly back up. However, when Sabes grabbed Kelly's hand it just stretched…and stretched…and stretched.

Sabes grabbed Kelly's sleeve instead. There was a ripping noise, and Kelly landed with a splash in the sea below. Sabes straightened and turned around, holding up the ripped sleeve.

Magsy's lip twitched, and he turned and walked back out the bars. Sabes started to walk after him when Magsy magnetically unbent the bars.

Sabes, not being incredibly bright, ran right into the bars. He growled at Magsy's retreating back.

AT SOME BEACH…

Kelly surfaced in front of a boy on a raft and dove back underwater.

"That was kinda pointless," Forge said. Kurt hummed the Jaws theme.

On the beach, Lucid was poking a beached jellyfish with a stick. Torpid was standing over him, holding a mini dry-erase board in one hand and an erasable marker in the other. "Lucid, let it go!" the board read.

Lucid read the board, then went back to poking the jellyfish. Torpid added something to the board and held it in front of his face. Lucid read, "Lucid, PLEASE let it go!" He went back to poking the jellyfish.

Torpid erased her message and wrote a new one. It said, "I'M TELLING CALLISTO!"

Lucid took one look at the board and immediately dropped the stick.

"That's power," Callisto said smugly.

Then a shadow passed over then, and they all looked up and stared.

A naked, very pasty-skinned Kelly with gill slits on his back was walking up the beach.

Everyone stared. Robbie stared in the middle of dripping sunscreen on Amara. The sunscreen kept right on dripping, but even Amara herself was too busy staring at Kelly to notice.

"Is that a mutant?" Leech asked.

Even Remy, who was wearing dark sunglasses and making a cameo as The Hot Dog Vendor, stared. (1)

Kelly looked at a TV conveniently located on the hot dog stand, where Pietro was talking. "…of this week's U.N. Summit. With the leaders of over 200 nations attending, the secret service has transformed Ellis Island into a veritable Fort Knox for tomorrow night's opening gala. Who. Really. Cares," Pietro said, obviously bored with his report.

He grinned and leaned back comfortably on his reporter's seat, propping his feet up on the desk. "So, Kelly, I hope you've connected the dots by now. Remember when Mystique!Guyrich said, 'What about the U.N. Summit?' Remember? So go run along and tell 'people like this Jean Grey' what you know!" The TV abruptly shut off.

Kelly blinked, then grabbed someone's clothes off a chain and walked off.

"Hey, um, you keep those," Todd said. "Or burn them or something when you're done."

AT THE INSTITUTE…

Rogue was sitting on a bench and basically doing nothing when Bobby sat down next to her. "Hey, Bobby," she said.

"Rogue, what did you do?" Bobby demanded. "They say that you're stealing other mutant's powers."

"No, no," Rogue said. "Ah **borrowed** his powers."

"You never use your power against another mutant," Bobby said.

"Then whah did you encase Juggernaut in a block of ahce?" Rogue asked.

"Well, technically, Juggernaut's not a mutant," Bobby said.

Rogue rolled her eyes, but went on with her line. "Ah had no choice," she said. Bobby turned away. "No, yah have ta understand meh."

"If I were you," Bobby said icily (PUN PUN PUN!), "I'd get myself out of here."

"What do yah mean?" Rogue asked.

"Listen, the students are freaked," Bobby said. "Professor Xavier's furious. I don't know what he'll do with you. I think it'll be easier on your own."

Rogue squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed her tears.

Tabby fanned her eyes. "Come on, girl, keep it together!"

"You should-" Bobby began, but Rogue held up one finger, cutting him off.

"One moment," she said, leaned over the bench, and punched Alex in the head.

Alex dropped the raw onion he had been snacking on. "What gives?" he demanded.

"STOP EATING THESE DAMN ONIONS!" Rogue yelled.

"Well, if **you** wanna get bitten by a yellow-spotted lizard, then be my guest!" Alex said, grabbing his onion and getting up, "BUT THEY WILL NOT GET ME!" He ran off, singing, "Dig it, oh-oh-oh, dig it, dig it, oh-oh-oh, yeah! Dig it-" (2)

Tabby punched him in the head. "I think the onion juice leaked to his brain," she said. "That or it's just his Summers blood." She shook her head sadly.

Rogue sat back down on the bench. "Okay, go ahead," she said to Bobby.

"You should go," Bobby said. Rogue got up and walked away, then turned back after a few feet to look back at him. He had an I-really-care-about-you-and-I'm-only-doing-this-to-help Look on his face. Rogue turned and ran.

Pietro ran by Bobby, sticking contacts in his eyes.

"OW!" Bobby yelled. "What the hell was that for?"

"Contacts," Forge said. "Now grin evilly."

Bobby grinned. However, it didn't come evil as much as it did…cheesy.

Forge facepalmed. "Never mind."

IN SOME PART OF THE SUBBASEMENT…

Xavier and Scott were staring at Logan's X-Rays again. "What are you looking for, Eric?" Xavier murmured.

Pietro ran in – and slid on the floor. He kept sliding all the way across the room until he slammed into the opposite wall. "What gives?"

Xavier didn't even bother turning around, but held up a new ray gun of Forge's. "Instant Waxer," he said. "Forge wanted to test it out on one of the floors, and this one was pretty scuffed up."

"You could warn a guy!" Pietro said.

Xavier shook his head. "No, we though it'd be fun to see if you'd slip."

Pietro glared.

Xavier and Scott, having not turned around, didn't notice. "It's strange," Xavier continued. "There are more powerful mutants out there. Why should this one be so important to him?"

Pietro tried to get up, slipped, and landed painfully on his chin.

"Did you bite your tongue?" Wanda asked.

"No," Pietro said.

"…Damn," Wanda said.

"Maybe it's his way with people," Scott said to Xavier.

"You don't like him," Xavier said. It wasn't a question, it was a statement. Pietro tried and failed to get up again.

"How could you tell?" Scott asked.

"Well, I am psychic, you know," Xavier said smugly.

The doors whooshed open, and Logan and Storm walked in. Well, Logan walked while Storm flew behind him.

"How come they're not falling over?" Pietro demanded.

Logan lifted a foot. "Special shoes," he said. "They're supposed to be able to stick to anything. Forge wanted me to test them out."

"And I'm flying," Storm said.

"And I have rollerblades," Scott said, sticking out a foot at Pietro while holding onto Xavier's wheelchair for balance.

Pietro turned (still on the floor) to Xavier. "Do I even want to know?"

"My wheels have traction!" Xavier said happily.

Pietro tried to get up and fell over. "How am I supposed to get up?" he demanded.

Logan walked over to Pietro and pushed him with a foot, sending him sailing out the door.

Unfortunately, the doors whooshed shut a millisecond before Pietro got there, so he bumped his head rather hard on it.

"…Ow."

The doors whooshed back open, and Logan shoved Pietro the rest of the way out.

"Where is she?" Logan demanded to Xavier.

"Who?" Scott asked.

"Rogue," Xavier said. "She's gone."

AT CEREBRO…

The door to Cerebro had just finished eye scanning Xavier. "Like, welcome, professor!" Kitty's recorded voice said cheerfully.

Everyone flinched.

The door opened, and Xavier wheeled in, followed by Logan. "Welcome to Cerebro," Xavier said.

Logan stared around at the big, round room. "This is one big, round room," he said.

"The brain waves of mutants are different from average human beings," Xavier said. "This device amplifies my power, allowing me to locate mutants across great distances. That's how I intend to find Rogue."

"Why don't you just use it to find Magneto?" Logan asked.

"I've been trying," Xavier said. "But he seems to have found some way to shield himself from it."

"How would he know how to do that?" Logan said.

"Because he helped me build it," Xavier said. "Now if you'll excuse me." Xavier put on the headgear while Logan walked out of Cerebro.

The doors shut behind Logan. "Have you ever?" he asked Jean, jerking his head at Cerebro.

"Used Cerebro?" Jean said. "Yeah."

"Not in the movie," Forge said through gritted teeth.

Jean rolled her eyes. "It takes a degree of control, and for someone like me, it's…"

"Dangerous," Scott finished.

Xavier wheeled out of Cerebro. "She's at the train station," he said.

"Where is it?" Logan asked.

"A few miles west of here," Xavier said.

Logan started walking off. "Logan, you can't leave the mansion," Xavier said. "It's just the opportunity Magneto needs."

"Listen, I'm the reason she took off," Logan said.

"We had a deal," Xavier said.

"She's all right," Ororo said. "She's just upset."

"Storm, Cyclops, find her," Xavier said. "See if you can talk to her."

Ororo and Scott walked off. Logan didn't look too happy about it.

IN THE GARAGE…

Scott stopped and looked around. "What?" Ororo asked.

"Where's my motorcycle?" Scott said.

"It's actually Logan's," Tabby said.

"It's Scott's in the movie," Forge said.

OUT ON THE ROAD…

Logan was riding off on his – er, Scott's – motorcycle. He saw a funny new button on it, decided "Why the heck not", and pressed it. The bike immediately sped up, and he practically flew down the road.

"For once, Forge didn't mess up on something," Logan said, and sped off.

"Why, thank you," Forge said. "…HEY!"

* * *

(1) – That would be Stan Lee's cameo in the movie.

(2) – Yellow-spotted lizards don't like onions, according to **Holes**. And what Alex was singing was the beginning of the rap "Dig It" written and performed by D-Tent (that would be, Shia LaBeouf, Khleo Thomas, Max Kasch, Byron Cotton, and Brenden Jefferson), minus Squid (Jake M. Smith) and Magnet (Miguel Castro). I think it's messed up that Jake didn't even get writing credits, since he and Shia came up with the original song and all. And I still don't get why Miguel wasn't in it, period. Maybe they didn't like him or something. And I think I'm gonna have Alex as the lead, to put him in that sort of role for a change.

Um…yeah. Review, please!


	5. Why Things Shouldn't Be Made of Metal

**..: Why Things Shouldn't Be Made of Metal :..**

Thanks to **todd fan**, **crystalwish**, **psychobunny410**, **EE's Skysong**, and **Dru** for reviewing! **Psychobunny**, yep, I know Stan Lee makes a cameo in almost all Marvel movies. I just felt like pointing it out, cuz…yeah. **Skysong**, I found it! Funny ficcie. Disturbing, but funny. Yes, I do know that I have way too much useless knowledge. My friends tell me that all the time. I will be doing Holes…um…after Shrek 2 and X2. Or after Shrek 2 and before X2. I'm not sure which order yet. Ah, VCRs are an evil thing. I haven't used mine in forever, cuz I have DVDs. Netflix is a wonderful thing for someone as lazy as _moi_.

DISCLAIMER: "It's all in your attitude. I once walked out of a Wal-Mart carrying a DVD player and a fax machine, and they held the door open for me."

(Louis Sachar must be cracking. In the screen test auditions, Miguel Castro – that would be Magnet – said Sears. And Khleo Thomas – that would be Zero – said he got arrested stealing shoes from Payless. And when Max Kasch – that would be Zigzag – called him, he said it wasn't Payless!)

(For those of you who are über confused right now, the disclaimer quote is a line Magnet says in Stanley Yelnat's Survival Guide to Camp Green Lake.)

* * *

Rogue was on a train. All by herself. Wearing Remy's trenchcoat. 

She looked over across the aisle where Leech and his mom were sitting. Leech had his head leaning on his mom's shoulder, and she was stroking his hair.

Well, if that doesn't make her feel lonely, I don't know what does.

"Hey, kid."

Rogue turned to see Logan standing next to her chair. He sat down. "I'm sorry about last night."

"Meh too," Rogue said.

"You running again?" Logan asked.

"Ah heard tha professor was mad at me," Rogue said.

"Who told you that?" Logan demanded.

"A boy at school," Rogue said.

BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…

Bobby, Ray, and Robbie were walking down a hallway. "When's the last time you saw her?" Robbie asked.

"She was supposed to meet me for lunch," Bobby said.

"Ooh, sounds like a **date**," Ray said in a sing-song voice. "…Did that sound gay?" (1)

Right after they walked by an elevator, it opened and out stepped…another Bobby! GASP!

AT THE TRAIN STATION…

"You look around," Ororo said to Scott. "I'll check with the ticket agent." She walked off, and Scott looked around aimlessly.

BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…

"Bobby" was standing in front of Cerebro. "He" knelt, morphing "his" face for the eye scanner.

"Like, welcome, Professor!" Kitty's recorded voice squealed. "Bobby" flinched.

The door opened, and "Bobby" morphed into Mystique. She slid open a panel in Cerebro, disconnected a tube, attached it to a canister of black liquid, and plugged the canister in. The liquid in the main tube changed from bluish to dark, dark, brown. Mystique slid the panel shut. Mission Accomplished.

BACK ON THE TRAIN…

"Yah think Ah should go back," Rogue said to Logan.

"No, I think you should follow your instincts," Logan said.

Rogue thought for a moment. "Tha first boy Ah ever kissed-"

Remy nodded, a huge smirk on his face, and pointed to himself.

"-ended up in a coma foah three weeks."

Remy stopped smirking. "_Non_, it was more like a few hours," he said. (2)

"Ah can still feel him inside mah head," Rogue continued. Remy started smirking again. "And it's tha same with yah. Except yoah psyche seems bent on beatin' his ta a pulp." Remy stopped smirking. Again.

Rogue squeezed her eyes shut, but tears rolled down her cheeks anyway.

Tabby was crying, too. However, she also had Alex in a headlock, who was holding (yet another) half-eaten raw onion and screaming about starting his own team and working undercover and having a hot chick. A HOT CHICK! (3)

Logan mistook the onion tears as real tears and went on a fatherly stint, putting his arm around her. Rogue shrugged and leaned her head against him, crying harder. Probably because Alex had dropped the onion and it had now rolled right next to her seat.

"There's not many people that'll understand what you're going through," Logan said, "But I think this guy Xavier's one of them. He seems to genuinely want to help you, and that's a rare thing," he paused for effect, "…For people like us."

Rogue opened her eyes (having fallen asleep during Logan's little speech) and looked up at him. She sat up as the train rumbled to life and started moving.

"So, whaddya say?" Logan asked. "Give these geeks one more shot?"

"Why must everyone call us geeks?" Scott whined.

"Probably because you're our leader," Kurt said.

"Come on, I'll take care of you," Logan said to Rogue.

"Yah promise?" Rogue asked.

Logan nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I promise."

BACK IN THE TRAIN STATION…

Scott was reading the timetables when he saw Torpid and Jamie staring at him (probably because of his visor). They both smiled at him. Scott smiled back.

Callisto, who was holding their hands – "Why am I the babysitter?" – noticed Scott smiling at them and quickly dragged them away, probably thinking he was a freaky stalker Michael Jackson-esque guy.

Storm was talking to the Kurt the Ticket Booth Guy. "She's about 17," Ororo said. "Uh, my height. Has brown hair, and she-"

Evan the Dude Behind Ororo got shoved aside. Ororo spun around to see Sabes, who immediately grabbed her by the throat and picked her up off the ground. "Scream for me," he growled. He shoved her against the glass window, cracking it.

Scott turned to see Sabes holding Ororo by the throat and started walking over there. What he didn't see was Todd climb up the wall behind him.

Scott was still walking when Todd, now upside down on the ceiling, grabbed his visor with his tongue. Oddly enough, Scott kept his eyes open for three full seconds and stared at the ceiling before he got smart and shut his eyes.

Meanwhile, Ororo's eyes had gone completely white instead of glowy-ish. Sabes looked up just in time to get zapped by a bolt of lightning.

Do you want to know what happened?

The same thing that happens to everything else. (4)

Sabes flew back, crashed through the wall, and landed on the platform on the other side.

Todd hopped over and stood over him. "Quit playing around, yo," he said, and hopped off before Sabes could throttle him.

ON THE TRAIN…

The train suddenly screeched to a halt, freaking a lot of people out. Logan and Rogue stood up and looked around. Everything metal (except Logan) seemed to be having some sort of spazz attack.

And then the train split in two. Logan jerked aroundlike a possessed voodoo doll while Rogue latched on to his upper arm, screaming like Banshee.

And in floated Magsy. Logan shot out his claws.

Rogue shook her head sadly. "Yah'd think he'd learned tha first tahme," she said.

"You must be Wolverine," Magsy said as he casually walked over to them.

Logan walked forward until Magsy held out a hand. Then Logan stopped dead still. "That remarkable metal of yours doesn't run through your entire body, does it?" He jerked his hand, and Logan straightened, then slowly rose in the air while his claws stretched out and as far from each other as they could.

"Stop!" Rogue shrieked. "Stop it!"

Logan glared defiantly at Magsy. "What the hell do you want with me?" he demanded.

"You?" Magsy said. "My dear boy, whoever said I wanted you?"

Pietro ran in, yelled, "AHA!", then ran back out.

Logan managed to move his head a little so he could look over at Rogue, whose eyes were wide and looked scared shitless.

Magsy pointed his finger, and Logan flew back to the other end of the train, where he landed in a not-so-crumpled heap.

Rogue then did one of the stupidest things she could have done: she got up and ran back to where Logan was. Magsy magnetically shot her with a dart, and she fell over.

Magsy rolled his eyes. "Young people," he muttered.

Logan stuck a finger in the air from his not-so-crumpled heap at the end of the train. "You watch your language, lil boy," he slurred, obviously still dizzy from smashing into the wall. "I'm TEN times the king Mystique was!" (5) He fell back over.

OUTSIDE THE TRAIN STATION…

Magsy, Sabes, and Todd walked out of the train station. Todd had a bag containing Rogue slung over his shoulder and Scott's visor on his head.

Magsy opened the doors to see several police cars parked in front. Evan the Bullet Cop was talking through a megaphone. "All right, hold it," he said. "Hold it right there. Stay where you are. Put your hands over your head. Now."

Magys smiled sadistically and raised his hands above his head. Two police cars just **happened** to go with them.

Magsy dropped his hands, and the cars crashed onto two other ones. All of the cops immediately pointed their guns at him.

Then all the guns were jerked out of their hands. Ray even tried to hold on to his gun and got absolutely nothing out of it besides a facefull of dirt.

Magsy pointed the guns back at their previous owners. "You _Homo sapiens_ and your guns," he muttered.

Sabes grabbed Magsy by the throat. "That's enough, Eric," he growled.

Todd turned. "Let them go."

Magsy looked from Sabes to Todd to the many police cars. "Why not come out where I can see you, Charles?" he called.

Xavier and Jean were sitting in a car behind the crowd. "What do you-" Xavier began.

"-want her for?" Sabes finished.

Magsy addressed Sabes. "Can't you read my mind?" he asked, tapping his bucket – I mean, helmet. "What now? Save the girl? You'll have to kill me, Charles. And what will that accomplish? Let them pass that law. They'll have you in chains with a number burned into your forehead."

"It won't be-"

"-that way."

"Then kill me and find out," Magsy said.

Sabes didn't move.

"Then release me," Magsy said.

Todd turned and walked a few steps away.

"Fine," Magsy said, magnetically cocking Evan's gun. He squinted his eyes for a moment, and the gun fired.

The Evo onlookers gasped. "Is he dead?" Amara asked.

The bullet had stopped right against Evan's forehead.

"Damn!"

"Care to press your luck, Charles?" Magsy asked, as the rest of the guns cocked. Xavier and Jean exchanged glances. "I don't think I can stop them all."

Evan was trying to force the bullet off his forehead. However, the bullet didn't budge, and he just came off sounding more than a little constipated.

Xavier blinked and dropped his head. Sabes let go of Magsy, and Todd turned around and walked back. "Still unwilling to make sacrifices," Magsy said disappointedly. "That's what makes you weak." They all looked up to see Mystique landing a helicopter in front of them. A helicopter that looks kinda familiar…

"Hey!" Jean yelled. "That's the Velocity!"

Forge tilted his head to the side. "So it is," he said. "Well, it sort of makes sense, since Mystique came from the 'stute."

"Goodbye, Charles," Magsy said, and he, Sabes, and Todd climbed into the Velocity.

As soon as the Velocity flew away, all the guns dropped to the ground. Even Evan's bullet fell down off his forehead.

"Curses," muttered Kurt, snapping his fingers.

AT THE INSTITUTE…

Logan splashed water on his face, wiped it off with a towel, and turned and glared at Xavier. "You said he wanted me," he said.

"I made a terrible mistake," Xavier said. Ororo stood behind him with her arms crossed, looking defiant for some reason. "His helmet was somehow designed to block my telepathy. I couldn't see what he was after till it was too late."

Logan put on his jacket and headed for the door. "Where are you going?" Ororo demanded.

"I'm gonna find her," Logan said.

"How?" Xavier asked.

"The traditional way: look," Logan said.

Ororo followed him out. "Logan, you can't do this alone," she said.

"Who's gonna help me, you?" Logan said with a scoff. "So far you've all done a bang-up job."

"Then help us," Ororo said. "Fight with us."

"Fight with you?" Logan said. "What, join the team? Be an X-Man? Who the hell do you think you are? You're a mutant. The whole world out there is full of people who hate and fear you, and you're wasting your time trying to protect 'em? I got better things to do." He turned to leave, then stopped and turned back. "You know, Magneto's right," he added. "There's a war coming. You sure you're on the right side?"

"At least I've chosen a side," Ororo said.

Logan turned and yanked open the door – only to come face-to-face with Kelly. "I'm looking for Dr. Jean Grey," Kelly managed before passing out.

IN THE MED LAB…

Xavier wheeled in and looked down at Kelly, who was lying on a table with those sticky pads that CF and Skysong hate stuck on his chest. Hm, maybe that's why they're on there…

"Senator Kelly," Xavier said. "I'm Professor Charles Xavier."

"I **know**," Kelly said. "Your team of miscreants has messed up my school plenty of times."

Logan ripped off a sticky pad. "Stick to the script, bub."

"I mean," Kelly said. "I was afraid if I went to a hospital, they would-"

"Treat you like a mutant?" Xavier finished. "We're not what you think. Not all of us."

"Tell it to the ones who did this to me," Kelly said.

Xavier wheeled around so he was next to Kelly's head. "Senator," he said, "I want you to try and relax." He put his hands next to Kelly's head. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Because if he wanted to, you'd already be dead," Logan spoke up.

"You're not helping, Logan," Xavier said irritably.

"Just doing my job, Chuck," Logan said pleasantly.

KELLY'S FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS IN 3…

2…

1…

BLAST OFF!

Xavier looked up to see Kelly surrounded by that weird radiation stuff, screaming his head off. He got up out of his wheelchair-

"Ha! I can walk!" Xavier said gleefully. "How you like me now?"

"When my pinky's valued over three hundred thou…sand!" Forge finished, hitting a Dr. Evil pose. (6) "And you can't **really** walk; you're just reliving Kelly's memory."

"Then what are you doing here?" Xavier demanded. "You're not a telepath."

"What are any of us doing here, really?" Forge said enigmatically.

"Hey, don't go all mysterious blonde detective movie chick on me!" (7) Xavier snapped.

Forge looked at him oddly. "Okay, 1) how am I being mysterious? 2) I'm not blonde. Or blond. 3) This is not a detective movie. 4) I am not a chick! And I'm only here because I'm the Director and I HAVE ABSOLUTE POWER!"

"Only a Sith deals in absolute," Xavier said sadly.

"A Sith?" Forge echoed dubiously.

"A Sith," Xavier repeated.

"That's quite a lisp you got there," Forge said. (8)

Back to the parody! So Xavier got up out of his wheelchair and watched Magsy, who was lowering the machine back down, looking REALLY drained. Mystique walked over and helped him out of machine.

Magsy staggered by Kelly, still leaning on Mystique. "Welcome to the future," he said to him, "…brother."

BACK IN REALITY…

Xavier was explaining what had happened to Kelly to Logan, Scott, and Jean. "The machine emits radiation that triggers mutation in ordinary human beings."

"But the mutation is unnatural," Jean put in. "Kelly's body is rejecting it. His cells began to break down almost immediately."

"What effect does the radiation have on mutants?" Scott asked.

"There appears to be none," Xavier said. "But I fear it will seriously harm any normal person exposed to it."

"So what does Magneto want with Stripes?" Logan asked.

"I don't know," Xavier admitted.

"Wait a second," Scott said. "You said this machine draws its power from Magneto, and that it weakened him."

"Yes," Xavier said. "In fact, it nearly killed him."

"He's gonna transfer his power to Stripes and use her to power the machine," Logan said.

"Can't call her Stripes," Forge muttered.

"Shut it, Youngling Murderer," Logan said.

"Hey, I get to fly a Podracer," Forge said.

"Actually, Jamie does," Tabby said. "Since he's so little and all."

"What, are YOU going to be the Director?" Forge demanded.

"Most likely," Tabby said, inspecting her nails.

"…We're doomed," Forge squeaked.

BACK IN THE MED LAB…

Kelly wasn't looking so good. For one, his veins were way too visible underneath his skin. For another, he was soaking wet, and there was water all over the table. "Is somebody there?" he asked.

Ororo walked up to him. "Yes," she said. "I'm here."

Kelly grabbed her hand. "Please don't leave me," he said. "Don't wanna be alone."

Ororo nodded at him the way one nods at someone escaped from an insane asylum. "All right," she said, noticing more water trickling down the table.

"Do you hate normal people?" Kelly asked.

"Sometimes," Ororo admitted.

"Why?" Kelly asked.

"I suppose…I'm afraid of them," Ororo said.

"Well," Kelly said, "I think you've got one less person to…to be afraid of."

Then the freaaaky stuff started. Kelly body swelled up while his skin became more and more transparent, and he gasped and choked. The hand that Ororo had been holding splashed into water. Then, while Kelly gurgled, his entire body became one giant water sac with the slight imprint of a face at the top. The water sac held together for a moment, then split, spilling water over the table and onto the floor.

Ororo turned and ran out the door.

Pietro poked his head in. "Is he really dead?" he asked.

Forge stashed away another ray gun. "Nope," he said. "Those were just really cool special effects."

"Damn," Pietro said. The doors whooshed shut on his neck. "OW! Ow…ow…aaaacccckkk…"

"What was that?" Forge said, cupping a hand to his ear while Pietro gasped for air. "You're on crack?"

Pietro made frantic gestures. However, the rest of his body was on the other side of the door.

Forge grabbed Lance (who was in his future outfit even though he wasn't in the movie) out of nowhere, snatched off his goggles (a HUGE improvement from that fishbowl, in my opinion), and shoved him back in to nowhere. Then he put on his newly retrieved X-Ray goggles. (9)

Forge saw Pietro's hands pointing at his neck through the doors. "Oh, you need a tracheotomy? Well, I suppose I have the instrument for that somewhere on here." He held up his prosthetic arm, examining the instruments poking out of it.

If Pietro had been able to, he would've screamed. He made an attempt to get his message across. "T-uhhhhhhh…ooooor!" (Translation: The…door!)

"You need more?" Forge asked. "You ARE addicted! A druggie, a stoner, a Sploosh addict!" He squinted at Pietro suspiciously. "You're riding the white pony, aren't you? ARE YOU RIDING THE WHITE PONY?" (10)

"O-nnnn…uhhhhh…oooorrrrr!" (Open…the…door!)

Jamie popped up. "I think he wants you to open the door," he said.

Forge looked at Jamie, then at Pietro, then at Jamie, then at Pietro, then at Jamie, then at the Random Lightsaber, then at Jamie. "…Nah," he said.

Jamie rolled his eyes, walked over to the door, and kicked it. It emitted a loud, long, high-pitched beep and opened. (11)

Pietro collapsed to the ground, one hand on an ear, the other clutching his throat. "My…ears," he rasped.

Forge peered down at him. "Ah, he'll get over it," he said. "Oh," he added, taking off his X-Ray goggles, "Why exactly are you wearing a hot pink string bikini?"

Ororo ran in and clamped a hand over his mouth. "THERE IS A CHILD PRESENT!"

"Obviously, you've never caught Ray coming out of the shower," Jamie muttered. (12) He snatched the X-Ray goggles out of Forge's hand and put them on. "Yeah, but Pietro, why do you have pink Playboy bunnies all over them?" he asked as he sauntered out.

Ororo's eyes narrowed as she glared at Pietro, still holding Forge in a headlock.

"They're the logo bunnies!" Pietro said desperately. "Not the girls, a real bunny head!"

Forge struggled against Ororo's headlock. "BUNNIES!" he yelled. "GET THEM AWAY!" Ororo let go, and he tore off after Jamie.

"How does Jamie know what a Playboy bunny logo looks like?" Ororo wondered aloud as she walked off down the hallway after them, stepping on Pietro along the way.

Pietro winced. "She just HAS to fight crime in heels," he muttered.

* * *

(1) – I think this is a running gag now. For those who don't know, it's from **The New Guy**. 

(2) – Dark Horizon Part I. Unless Rogue kissed someone before then. If so…oh well.

(3) – X-Factor, anyone? Also, see **todd fan**'s ficcie **While the Adults Are Away**. Chappie 13, Havok Has a Dream, in particular.

(4) – Am I the only one who is really annoyed by that line?

(5) – **The Lion King**. And in me and Skysong's ficcie The Cajun King, Mystique actually gets to say that about Logan.

(6) – Two refs. "How you like me now" and "When my pinky's valued over three hundred thou…sand!" are from the song **Yeah!** by Usher, Lil John, and Ludacris. The Dr. Evil pose is from **Austin Powers**. It's when you hold up your pinky next to the corner of your mouth with the inside of your fist facing outward.

(7) – You know, I once made the mistake of watching a **Lizzie McGuire** marathon out of sheer boredom. Now every episode is STUCK IN MY HEAD! Anyway, in one of them, in a desperate attempt to get Ethan Craft's attention, Lizzie dresses up as a mysterious blonde detective movie chick, and says Forge's line in a really stew-pod way. And if you don't know understand the word stew-pod, then I highly suggest you read **Bloomability** by Sharon Creech.

(8) – In the 2005 MTV Movie Awards, Jimmy Fallon did a parody of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. And BTW, when me and Skysong parody Star Wars (I'm doing I-III, Skysong's doing IV-VI), Forge'll be Ani-kins aka Vader. And for Skysong's, Xavier'll be Obi-Wan. I'm still not sure who I'm using for him. Right now, I'm considering Remy or Piotr. Hey, Skysong, let me know if you've cast any other characters, cuz I wanna keep them constant. BTW, todd fan, how's THAT for a tragic Storge?

(9) – Jubeses, I'm making a lot of refs. When I parody **Holes**, Lance'll be X-Ray for exactly that reason: the goggles. Oh, and the fact that he's the leader of the BoM and (unlike Scott) doesn't have a leader complex.

(10) – **The New Guy**. And yes, Gil was in fact riding the white pony. Oh, and the Sploosh addict bit was from **Holes**. On the DVD. Cast commentary.

(11) – You know on the subway, if the doors are closing and someone steps in between them, how it makes that high-pitched beep? Well, the one Jamie set off was worse.

(12) – inuficcrzy's ficcie **Girls Night In**. Gold satin bikini. Although it was Rahne who caught him coming out of the shower.


	6. I See NotSoDead People

**..: I See Not-So-Dead People :..**

Heya! Sorry it took me so long to update, I was going through a bit of writer's block (is that even possible with a parody?). Well, I'm back now, and with an extra chappie since I'm going away for camp from Saturday till Tuesday!

DISCLAIMER: "When life gives you lemons, clone those lemons, and make SUPER LEMONS!"

* * *

"Scott, you and Ororo ready the jet. I'm going to find Rogue," Xavier said. "Jean, get Logan a uniform."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute," Scott said. "He's not coming with us, is he?"

"Yep," Xavier said.

"But Professor, he'll endanger the mission. And if-"

"Hey, I wasn't the one who gave the train station a new sunroof, bub," Logan said.

"No, you were the one who stabbed Rogue through the chest," Scott said.

"Scott," Jean said.

"Look, why don't you take your little mission and stick it up your-" Logan began.

Ororo burst in. "Senator Kelly's dead," she said.

"HALLELUJAH!" Kurt yelled.

"Not in reality," Forge said. "Only in the movie."

"DAMN!"

"I'm going to find her," Xavier repeated.

"We KNOW," Logan said.

IN CEREBRO…

Xavier picked up the headgear, put it on his head, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. Then that freaky poison (or WHATEVER it is) that Mystique stuck in started working.

Xavier ripped off the headgear, turned around, and abruptly fainted, falling out of his wheelchair. The lights in Cerebro flickered on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and-

"Jamie, stop playing with the light switch," Forge said.

Jamie dropped his hand and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

IN THE MED LAB…

Xavier was lying unconscious on the table with Ororo, Jean, Scott, and Logan standing around him. "I'm sorry," Logan said, turned, and left.

Scott made a weird sniffling sound and held his fist against his mouth. "Aw, you're not going to cry, are you?" Kurt said, poking Scott's face with a Random Twig.

"Just have…something in my eye," Scott said thickly.

"You know, that's kinda impossible, because of a) your glasses and b) your optic blasts," Tabby pointed out. "And you can't blame the onions."

"Why not?" Scott demanded.

"Alex ate them all," Rogue said. "So now he's eatin' gelatin-covahd apples."

Scott blinked. Not that anyone could tell.

IN CEREBRO…

Jean had just finished fixing Cerebro and clearing up all that poison (or WHATEVER the heck it was). She started to leave, then stopped and turned back. "Well, no duh," Jean said. "I mean, I **have** used Cerebro before."

"Yeah, but movie!Jean isn't ready for it," Forge said.

"Movie!Jean also isn't the brightest bulb in the bunch, yo," Todd pointed out.

"What's with all the alliteration?" Kurt demanded.

BACK IN THE MED LAB…

"You can still hear me, can't you?" Scott asked the unconscious sleeping-with-his-eyes-open-man-that's-really-freaky Prof. "You've taught me everything in my life that was ever worth knowing. And if anything happens, well, I'll take care of them."

"Yeah, like the time you and Jean ended up locked out of the Institute," Bobby said. "That's a good way to show leadership."

"Not to mention when he almost got us blown up," Amara added.

"Hey, I got you guys out of there," Scott said.

"Barely," Ray snorted.

BACK IN CEREBRO…

Jean knelt down and put on the headgear. Of course, she just HAPPENED to leave the doors open. Gee, how convenient…

Just outside in an adjacent hallway, Tabby was leaning over a camera on a slide thingie, sticking her butt out at the actual camera.

Scott had just walked out of the med lab when he saw Jean kneeling in front of Cerebro with the headgear on.

"Jean?" he called out, cautiously walking forward in his very tight, very spandexy, obviously-not-made-for-his-body bright yellow Wolvie suit, with three Wolvie claws strapped on to his left hand. (1)

Jean TK'd the doors shut.

"SAUCY WENCH!" Scott yelled, running down the hall in his very unflattering bright yellow Wolvie suit.

However, he slipped on the freshly-waxed floor and slammed facefirst into the closed doors. "I dink I boke by nose…"

Inside, Jean sank to the floor and slipped off the headgear. Scott somehow managed to get the door open and ran in. "Dean? Dean? Andther me!"

"………You're bleeding all over my shirt."

AT LIBERTY ISLAND…

Evan the Random Coast Guard Dude waved at Robbie the Boat Pilot Dude, who waved back. Suddenly, Sabes picked up Evan, crushing his spine and impaling him on his claws and killing him.

"He's dead?" Pietro asked eagerly.

"Not in real fiction," Forge said. "…Is that an oxymoron?"

Robbie the Boat Pilot Dude morphed back into Mystique and grinned down at the dead body of the REAL Robbie the Boat Pilot Dude.

"And no, Ray, he's not really dead," Forge said.

Ray glared at him and muttered obscenities in Italian. (2) Something about Absinthe and blunt axes and going Edward Scissorhands on his ass… (3)

"But I thought Edward was a nice guy," Jamie said, blinking confusedly in that cute yet annoying way that only little kids can pull off.

"Yes, but if **Ray** lost his fingers in an unfortunate accident and Forge stuck scissor and blades on his bleeding stump of a hand in a fit of random laziness, you wouldn't expect him to have Edward's nice and caring disposition, would you?" Jubes said sweetly in one breath.

"…Ray wouldn't have Edward's disposition if it jumped up and down in front of him pruning a bush in the shape of Robbie with a stake through his head," Jamie said flatly.

"Exactly," Jubes said, and ruffled Jamie's hair in that way that annoys the young who eventually grow up and get older and taller and end up doing the exact same thing.

Back on Liberty Island, Piotr was walking around aimlessly in little circles and making (yet another) cameo as That One Security Dude That Gets Squished By Toad. (4)

Roughly three seconds into said cameo, Toad came soaring out of the air and slammed into his shoulders. However, this had no effect on Piotr whatsoever. (5)

"That's kinda pathetic," Tabby stage whispered to Forge. "Petey hasn't even gone metal!"

"Man, shut up!" Todd said, hopping off Piotr's shoulders.

"Why don't I just crumple to the floor and pretend you crushed me?" Piotr suggested in a tone of voice that sounded helpful but still managed to have an underlying I'm-only-doing-this-because-you-and-I-both-know-that-it-would-never-ever-work-in-reality ring to it. Must be an Acolyte thing.

"Yeah, that'd work," Todd said.

Piotr shrugged and crumpled to the ground.

Todd hopped off to go slam Freddie into the ground.

"Is The Authoress on some sort of sadistic binge here or something?" Todd demanded from where he had slid off Freddie's shoulders.

A Mini-Kurt bamfed in. "_Ja_," he said in a cute baby voice, grinned at them with a cute baby demon face, and bamfed back out. (6)

"I'll just do what Colossus did," Freddie said, and crumpled to the ground.

ON THE BOAT…

Mystique walked into the cabin and glared sadistically at Rogue, who was handcuffed to a bar. Magsy glanced out the window at the Statue of Liberty. "Magnificent, isn't she?" he said.

"Ah've seen it," Rogue said.

"I first saw her in 1949," Magsy said. "America was gonna be the land of tolerance, of peace."

"Well, with Bush as President neither of those are gonna happen," Rogue said. She glanced over at the dead body of Robbie the REAL Boat Pilot Dude, who stared back at her. "My eyes hurt," Robbie complained.

"That's what you get for hitting a dead pose with your eyes open," Forge said blithely. "Now act properly dead or else Ray will take Absinthe and a blunt axe and go Edward Scissorhands on your ass."

"But I thought-"

"We already had this discussion!" Jubes snapped.

"Are yah gonna kill meh?" Rogue asked Magsy.

"Yes," Magsy said.

"That was pretty blunt," Rogue said.

"I don't believe in beating around the bush or attempting tact when there is no way of properly using it," Magsy said.

"That makes sense," Rogue said. "But whah?"

"Why not attempt tact when there is no way of properly using it?" Magsy said, dumbfounded.

"No," Rogue said. "Whah are yah gonna kill meh?"

"Oh," Magsy said. "I knew that."

"Riiiiiiiiiight," Mystique said.

Magsy ignored her. "Because there is no land of tolerance, and there is no peace."

"Did yah not hear what Ah said?" Rogue demanded. "Bush. Is. Pre-si-dent."

Magsy went on, ignoring her, too. "Not here, nor anywhere else. Women and children, whole families destroyed simply because they were born different from those in power."

"Amen, sistah!" Tabby said. "I mean, brother. I mean…uncle?"

Everyone decided it was wisest to ignore her. "Well," Magsy continued, "After tonight, the world's powerful will be just like us. They will return home as brothers."

"And sisters!" Jean put in.

"Shut up," Magsy said. "As mutants. Our cause will be theirs. Your sacrifice will mean our survival. I'll understand if that comes as a small consolation. Put her in the machine," he ordered Sabes. He glanced up at the Statue of Liberty. "I'll raise it."

BACK AT THE INSTITUTE…

Scott was talking while a little weird pin thing simulated the mission. "Magneto is here. Liberty Island." The pin thing formed Liberty Island. "Now, presumably, his objective is to mutate the world leaders at the U.N. summit on Ellis Island." The pin thing changed to include Ellis Island and part of the mainland.

"He doesn't know his machine kills," Ororo said. "And judging from what the Professor saw, if Magneto gave Rogue enough power-"

"-He could wipe out everyone in New York City," Jean finished as the pin thing made a nice ripple going out from Liberty Island.

"All right," Scott said. "We can insert here at the George Washington Bridge-" The pin thing made a little George Washington Bridge. "-come around the bank, just off of Manhattan. We land on the far side of Liberty Island here." The pin thing traced their route, ending at – you guessed it – the far side of Liberty Island.

"What about harbor patrol?" Logan said. "Radar?"

"If they have anything that can pick up our jet, they deserve to catch us," Scott said.

INSIDE THE X-JET…

Scott started up the X-Jet while Logan got used to his new (well, not really) uniform. "You actually go outside in these things?" he said.

"What would you prefer, yellow spandex?" Scott said.

Logan, Ororo, and Jean all gave him an odd look. "Just how colorblind does that visor of yours make you?" Logan asked.

"It does not!" Scott says indignantly.

"What color eyeshadow does Rogue wear?" Ororo asked.

"Goth…colored…eyeshadow," Scott said.

Tabby raised an eyebrow, then glanced down at her clipboard. She looked back at Scott, then checked off the box marked "Beyond Colorblind."

All the X-Kids ran into the hangar and watched the X-Jet take off. Bobby climbed under the railing and grabbed Kitty's hand. "Start phasing!" (7)

Kitty yanked him back through the railing. "I don't think so," she said.

* * *

(1) – If you have the DVD, I think at the end of the Scrapbook feature thingie, there's a bunch of outtakes or weird caught-on-tape bits. In one of them, they filmed themselves filming that very scene. And yes, there was a lady leaning over a camera. And yes, James Marsden was wearing a bright yellow Wolvie suit with Wolvie claws strapped on to his left hand. And yes, he did say, "Jean? SAUCY WENCH!" Another one is Famke doing some weird and ugly dance with lots of squeaky noises, and another is Ray Park doing some freakish things with his stomach. Seriously, he's all like, beer belly/7 months pregnant, then washboard abs, then beer belly again…it's freaky. Über cool, but also über freaky.

(2) – In Skysong's ficcie **The XBand, The Trilogy That Wouldn't Die!**, Ray is fluent in Italian for some odd reason. Yeah, when Rogue zaps him after rescuing him from the pool, she starts speaking Italian.

(3) – Ai-ya, I'm going on another ref binge. Anywayz, Edward Scissorhands in obviously from the movie **Edward Scissorhands** directed by Tim Burton and starring Johnny Depp. I just saw it a few days ago for the first time ever, and it seriously made me want to cry. To make things worse, I saw **Tuck Everlasting** on the exact same day. Yeah. Not too smart of me. Oh, and the going (medieval) on his ass is from **Pulp Fiction**, another movie I have yet to see in its entirety (I've missed the first ten minutes and about half an hour in the middle). And in **Harry Potter**, Nearly Headless Nick was beheaded with a blunt axe. And Absinthe is a drink – liquor or something. That was the green stuff they were drinking in **Moulin Rouge!** And Toulouse-Lautrec died because of that. Not in the movie. In real life.

(4) – That would be Executive Producer Tom DeSanto's cameo in the movie. Yes, Skysong, I **know** I know too much random info.

(5) – À la **Day of Reckoning Part II**.

(6) – Heartsyhawks' ficcie **Back in Diapers**, which pretty much speaks for itself. Other than the fact that Forge made little clones of the babies, so I now have not only a Mini-Kurt, but also a Mini-Rogue, a Mini-Remy, a Mini-John, a Mini-Tabby, and a Mini-Bobby. Awww…adorable, aren't they?

(7) – **Joyride**, anyone?


	7. Fight Club

**..: Fight Club :..**

Yeah, I haven't seen the movie OR read the book. I should probably do both.

DISCLAIMER: "If he takes off his glasses, don't look in his eyes; you'll DIE."

That would be Bryan Singer describing Scott Summers aka Cyclops's powers at a preview in Cologne, Germany. Just the way he said it makes me laugh.

* * *

Inside the X-Jet, Logan popped his claws out, speared a gelatin-covered apple from Alex, and started eating.

CRRRUNNNNCHHH

"Um, do you mind?" Scott asked.

Logan glared at him.

CRRRUNNNNCHHH

"…Never mind," Scott said. "There's the bridge. I'm taking her down. Storm, some cover, please."

Storm's eyes went all ghosty and white as a sudden fog rolled in.

INSIDE MAGSY'S BOAT…

Magsy noticed said sudden fog. "Toad, Mystique, stay sharp," he said. "We're not alone. And you stay here," he added to Sabes. "Once I give my power to the girl, I'll be temporarily weakened. You'll be my only defense."

Sabes gave him an "Oh Crap" Look. (1)

Out on the harbor, Lance and Pietro the Random Unimportant Harbor Patrol Dudes also noticed the sudden fog – and heard the sudden thunder. "Isn't there supposed to be lightning **before** thunder?" Pietro asked Lance.

Lance shrugged. "I'm a snowplow, not a weatherwitch," he said. (2) "Sounds like a Storm's coming."

"PUN PUN PUN PUN PUN!" Kurt yelled. "Sorry."

Scott landed the X-Jet. Well, if you call landing it shutting off the engine when it's about a foot above the water.

"Sorry," Scott said.

Logan tossed his apple core out the window. "You call that a landing?"

Once they got out of the X-Jet, the X-Men were faced with their first major obstacle: a 2 foot-high seawall. (3)

Logan, being used to his uniform-

"Am I the only one who sees a lot of irony in this?" Bobby asked.

"The Authoress is sadistic about that sort of thing," Kurt said.

Anyway, Logan was used to his uniform and got over the seawall easily, putting a hand on it and hopping over. He kept walking to the Statue of Liberty-

And noticed that he was the only one there. He turned around to see Jean and Storm watching and discussing tactics while Scott tried to get over the wall. He put a hand and a foot on the seawall and tried to hop up, but his foot slipped and he landed chin-first on the wall.

"Aw, come on!" Logan said, walking back over to them. "It's not that hard."

"Easy for you to say, you're used to your uniform," Ororo said.

Logan looked over the seawall. "There's steps right there!" he said, pointing at metal steps on Ororo, Scott, and Jean's side of the wall.

"Yeah, well, only Jean and Ororo can use those," Scott said grumpily.

"Why?" Logan asked.

"Because I said so," Forge said.

Logan shrugged and waited while Ororo, Jean, and Scott debated, discussed tactics, stretched, practiced jumping, etc. After watching this for ten seconds, Logan lit a cigar and started smoking.

After thirty seconds, he got bored of that and passed the time grinding his cigar into the palm of his hand, then letting it heal, then grinding it in again in a truly insanely masochist way. (4)

Logan was just in the middle of doing this for the sixth time when Ororo stood right next to him and asked him a question. "Why do you keep doing that?"

Logan jumped, having been engrossed in his own cigar-masochistic world. "How'd you get over the seawall?" he demanded.

"I flew," Ororo said.

"So why doesn't Red levitate?" Logan asked.

"Because I look much cooler when I fly than she does when she levitates," Ororo said simply, whipping out several bottles of nail polish and giving herself a manicure.

Logan shrugged in agreement.

Jean and Scott were still debating about how to get over the seawall. "Hold your breath, but don't make it look like you're holding your breath," Forge suggested.

Fifty-eight cigar-induced wounds and a French manicure later, Scott used the stairs while Jean used her TK to make it look like she jumped over the seawall completely. However, said TK came off not so much superhuman jump as it did tangled wires, bad stunting, and even worse special effects.

Logan and Ororo pulled their gloves back on. "About time," Logan said, turned, and walked off into the Statue of Liberty.

"Wait!" Forge yelled. "You have to go last so that you set off the metal detector and then flip Scott off with your claws."

Logan rolled his eyes, but let everyone else pass him up.

INSIDE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY…

Scott, Jean, and Ororo all walked through the metal detector. Then Logan walked through and set it off. Logan shot out his claws and stabbed the metal detector, effectively shutting off the alarm. He then retracted one claw on either side and glared at Scott, who gave a sheepish grin and started walking.

They all walked by a mini-model of the Statue of Liberty, which opened its yellow eyes and grinned sadistically.

Further on, Logan stopped and sniffed. "There's someone here," he said.

"Where?" Scott asked.

"I dunno. Keep your eye open," Logan said, walking off. (5)

"Logan," Scott began, but Logan held out a hand to shush him and walked off down a hallway, out of sight.

"Damnit," Scott muttered.

Logan walked back in through the same hallway. "Anything?" Scott asked.

"I know there's someone here," Logan said. "I just can't see 'em."

Scott turned and looked around. Logan walked towards him and shot out his claws on one hand.

!WARNING! JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ANNOYING YOU, DURING THE LOGAN FIGHT, BOTH LOGANS ARE LABELED SIMPLY LOGAN. IF YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHICH LOGAN'S THE REAL LOGAN, THAT'S TOO BAD FOR YOU, BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF GIVEAWAYS ANYWAY.

Then Logan came charging in from the other end of the hallway and tackled Logan. They rolled on the ground and ended up in another room, with Logan pinned up against the wall. Logan blew a kiss at him.

Logan kicked Logan away, and both shot out their claws, Logan grinning sadistically.

Scott put his hand on his visor and hesitated, clueless as to which Logan was the real one. Let's think, the one that DOESN'T have a sadistic grin on his face?

"Wait!" both Logans yelled. Then Logan turned and cut down a weight next to him so that the wall slid shut behind them.

Scott dropped his hand. "Damnit!"

"You seem to be saying that a lot," Tabby said, tilting her head to one side.

Back with the Logans, Logan shoved Logan against a wall and cut off the claws on one hand, causing Logan to yell very unmanly-ly. He drove his claws at Logan's face, but Logan ducked at the last minute, sending Logan's claws driving into the wall.

On the other side of the wall, Scott decided to just blast the damn thing apart. "All right, back up, back up," he said to Ororo and Jean, who immediately backed up.

Logan yanked his claws out of the wall while Logan used his remaining claws to slash the wires on a fusebox, sending sparks everywhere. Logan ran off with Logan close behind him.

Scott was about to blast the damn wall apart when a tongue shot out behind him and wrapped itself around a railing on the next floor. Todd swung in over Scott's head and kicked him into a glass cabinet. He kicked out again with both legs, sending Ororo and Jean flying, then landed on the floor and used his tongue to slide another wall shut, cutting Scott off from Ororo and Jean.

Ororo started to get up when Todd wrapped his tongue around her wrist and sent her flying up to the next floor, where she crashed on a table.

Todd turned to Jean, who had finally gotten up. Todd hopped forward, and Jean jerked back.

"What a flincher," Tabby said.

Todd did a little dance, then stopped and jumped at Jean, who finally got smart and stopped him midair with her TK. Todd glanced at both of his hands for a moment with a slightly puzzled, mostly annoyed look, then spat out a bunch of slime onto Jean's face. Jean stumbled backward, trying to get the slime off her face, and Todd dropped to the floor.

He got up and looked up at Ororo, who had gotten up and was leaning over the railing, watching him. He jumped up onto a display case, then onto a pillar, then onto another pillar, then onto the railing. Ororo backed up, holding her hands out in front of her.

Todd jumped off the railing, twisted, and did a backflip, kicking Ororo in the face and sending her tumbling into another table and sprawling onto the floor. She got up in time for Todd to run and kick her in the chest. She flew back into an elevator shaft, slamming into the wall and falling to the bottom.

Todd glanced down the elevator shaft uncertainly. "Uh, you know that stunt I'm supposed to do?" he said. "I can't do that."

Forge sighed theatrically. "STAND-IN!" he yelled FF-ly.

Remy walked over and looked down the elevator shaft. He blew a raspberry at the presumably unconscious Ororo, then kicked up the bo staff holding the elevator doors apart, twirled it over his head, and hit a cool pose. (6)

BACK IN THAT OTHER ROOM…

Scott had finally come to and blasted the wall down. He ran to where Jean had tripped and fallen over and moved the slime off one eye. "Oh, damnit," he muttered.

"See? There he goes again!" Tabby said.

With Logan and Logan, Logan was pretty much getting his ass handed to him on a platter by Logan. Logan kneed him in the gut, and kicked him in the face, then made a swipe at him that Logan just barely managed to duck. Logan kicked him in the stomach, then did a front flip, hitting him in the head.

Then Logan did that really cool Midair Morph Twist That Was Used In Practically Every Teaser Trailer For The Movie, jumping, twisting, morphing into Mystique, kicking Logan in the head, and landing on the ground. Mystique looked over at Logan and licked her lips.

Logan shuddered. "That's just wrong," he said.

Mystique twisted back up onto her feet and hit Logan in the chest as he tried to slice her. She grabbed both his wrists and kicked him in the face, then, still holding onto his wrists, jumped over his shoulder and yanked. Logan's spine made a not-so-nice cracking sound.

Mystique kicked Logan in the nuts with that weird tuning-fork-metal noise…wait a minute. (7)

"Are you saying that they even surgically grafted adamantium in his…?" Tabby said, nodding at Logan, who was bent over in agony.

"That's TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Forge yelled.

Mystique grabbed a chain and hurled it at Logan, who caught it around his claws. He yanked it closer so that he and Mystique were face-to-face, then twisted it in a way that would've sent any normal person slamming face-first into the ground. However, Mystique is not any normal person, and merely ended up doing a flip.

Logan took another swipe at Mystique, missed, and finally managed to hit her with his forearm, slamming her into a chain-link gate. Logan took yet another swipe at her-

"Is it just me, or does Logan miss every time he tries to stick Mystique on his claws?" Bobby asked.

"Both," Jubes said.

"…What's that supposed to mean?" Bobby demanded.

"I have no clue," Jubes said enigmatically.

Logan swiped at Mystique, who ducked to the side so that Logan's claws cut through the metal hinges connecting the two gates. Mystique picked up the gate, hit Logan in the chest with it, and ran at him again.

Logan held up a fist and cut straight through the gate. Mystique ducked her head out of the way and kicked Logan in the ribs. She then did a backflip, kicking Logan in the face with each foot, and landed on a crate, hitting a pose.

Logan ran at her again, and she grabbed the pipe next to her and did a half-backflip, kicking Logan in the face with each foot again. She then climbed upside down up the pipe and out of sight.

BACK WITH JOTT…

"Don't move," Scott said, backing up a little and putting a hand on his visor. Jean saw this and squeezed her one visible eye shut. Scott shot an optic blast at her face, breaking the slime but leaving her completely unharmed.

"Pity," Pietro said.

One floor above, Todd hopped up on the railing and glared at them. Then he heard an elevator bell ding and turned around to see Ororo rise up to the now-open doors with all-white eyes and lightning constantly streaking down.

Todd hopped off the railing and walked over. "Don't you people ever die, yo?" he demanded.

Ororo descended into the room, calmly walking forward as the wind blew everything in the room – including Todd – across it and out through the glass doors.

Todd flew out and into midair, but managed to wrap his tongue around the railing, so he kinda flew around like a Toad Kite.

Ororo walked out onto the balcony. "…Do I really have to say this line?"

"Yes," Forge said.

Ororo sighed and rolled her eyes. "Do you know what happens to a Toad when it's struck by lightning?" she asked as more lightning crackled overhead.

Todd didn't answer, too preoccupied with hanging on for dear life.

"The same thing that happens to everything else," Ororo said with the air of pointing out the obvious to an incredibly slow person. (8) "Duh." The lightning hit the metal railing, traveled up Todd's tongue, and fried Todd, sending him flying through the air to land in the harbor with a splash.

WHEREVER LOGAN IS…

Logan was standing around next to a copper life-size model of the left foot of the Statue of Liberty when Ororo walked up to him. "Logan, is that you?" she asked.

"Sh," Logan said, holding up a hand and sniffing. "The other one ain't far away."

Ororo walked closer to him, looking around nervously. "Come on," she said. "We have to regroup."

"I know, but there's a problem," Logan said, whirling around and sinking his claws into Ororo's ribs. "You're not part of the group." He yanked his claws out, and Ororo's eyes turned from Storm white to yellow, grew claws on her left hand, and her hair turned red before she morphed completely into Mystique, who fainted with three bloody claw marks in the spot between her ribcage.

Scott and Jean were walking into a room when Logan slid a wall open and stepped in. Scott immediately put his hand on his visor. "Hey, it's me," Logan said.

"Prove it," Scott said.

"You're a dick," Logan said.

Scott dropped his hand. "All right, then."

Up on the second floor, Ororo leaned over the railing and yelled down at them. "Get up here already!"

"Touchy," Scott muttered as Jean TK'd them up there. "Is she PMSing or something?"

Ororo whirled around. "Do you know what happens to a Cyclops when it's struck by lightning?"

"The same thing that happens to everything else," Logan, Jean, and Scott recited dully in unison.

"And the same goes for a Wolverine or a Phoenix, so don't you forget it!" Ororo said fiercely.

* * *

(1) – He seriously gave him that look in the movie. Not very Sabes-esque in my opinion, but that's Tyler Mane for ya.

(2) – From the eppie Turn of the Rogue. Ororo said, "I'm a weatherwitch, not a snowplow."

(3) – That is some of the funniest (if not THE funniest) footage in the Bonus Features disc of the DVD. It makes me laugh so hard! Oh, and Scott's first attempt in the parody is one of Hugh Jackman's actual attempts that they filmed off-camera. Wait, that doesn't make any sense…

(4) – Logan did that in X2. I don't understand why; maybe it was Bryan Singer's way of reminding everyone, "Hey! This dude can heal! And he smokes cigars!" And Forge's "Hold your breath" suggestion was actually something that one the guy with the megaphone said (dunno who the guy was, it wasn't Bryan, though) while they were trying to get over that seawall.

(5) – Ya know, the first time I heard of Cyclops, I seriously thought he only had one eye. Then my uncle (he collected comic books as a kid, but I have no clue where they are now) explained things.

(6) – Darth Maul, baby! Seriously, though, Ray Park has MAD Wushu and Weapon Skills. And he's Darth Maul in Star Wars: Eppie 1, although they used some other dude for his voice (I guess his wasn't freakishly evil enough or something).

(7) – Seriously, it makes that metal noise when she kicks him in the crotch. I was like, WTF? Oh, and Forge's "TMI!" quote is from **Friends**. Chandler says it once upon an eppie.

(8) – I heard somewhere that this was how the line was meant to be delivered, yet, it wasn't.

Well, I'm off to cheerleading camp now! I won't be back till Tuesday, and I'll get to work on writing more right away. I wanna start Redneck Shrek 2 before I gotta get back to school. Ugh, school…review, please!


	8. Logan Loves His Limelight

**..: Logan Loves His Limelight :..**

Sorry this took so long! But I wasn't sure how much of the movie left there was, so I didn't know if I should make it one long chappie or split it up into two not-so-long chappies. So I made it one long chappie…and then I split it in two anyway.

DISCLAIMER: "Guess what, GUESS WHAT?" "The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?"

* * *

Scott, Logan, Ororo, and Jean finished climbing up the stairs and stared up at the torch, where Rogue was. "Everybody get out of here," Logan said suddenly.

"What is it?" Ororo asked.

"I can't move," Logan said. Then he flew backwards and stuck himself to the wall like a giant magnet. Metal bars unattached themselves from the lining of the Statue and attacked Scott, Jean, and Ororo, trapping them up against the wall, too. Only the bars attaching Scott and Jean to the wall twisted so that they were face to face.

"Okay, now all we need is for Scott to lose the visor, and it'll be perfect," Kurt said.

Magsy came floating in through the hole in the roof. "Ah, my brothers," he said.

"And sisters!" Jean added.

"SHUT UP!" everyone yelled.

"Welcome," Magsy said, and turned to Logan. "And, you, just point those claws of yours in a safer direction." He did that freaky metal-sound thingie, and Logan crossed his arms so that his fists were pointing right at his vital organs. That meant that if he snikted or anything, he'd like, kill himself. Or reeeeaallly hurt himself. Which makes no sense, since Magsy's supposedly controlling his entire adamantium skeleton and all, but WHATEVER.

Sabes dropped in next to Magsy. "You better close your eyes," Magsy said to Scott as Sabes walked over and snatched off his visor. Scott's eyes were squeezed tightly shut.

"Quick, someone force them open," John stage-whispered, popping up next to Magsy for no apparent reason.

Pietro zoomed in. "Sequelforeshadowing!" he sneezed, and zoomed back out.

"Storm, fry him," Scott said.

"Oh, yes," Magsy said dryly. "A bolt of lightning into a huge copper conductor." He looked at Scott disdainfully. "I thought you lived at a school."

At the U.N. Summit, Pietro the Mayor of New York stepped up to the mic and started on a speech. "For those of you who may not be familiar with the historical significance…"

In a sound booth, Remy, Kurt, Piotr, and Robbie were translating Pietro's speech into their own respective languages. Well, Piotr was being a good boy and translating while Remy, Kurt, and Robbie were having a Swear-Off (ie, cussing each other out in their own languages).

Magsy tapped his earpiece. "Mystique?" Obviously, she wasn't answering.

"I've seen Senator Kelly," Jean said to him.

"So the little dipshit survived his fall…and the swim to shore," Magsy said, sounding mildly impressed. "He's become even more powerful than I could have imagined."

"He's dead," Jean said flatly.

"It's true," Ororo said. "I saw him die. Like those people down there will die."

"Why do none of you understand what I'm trying to do?" Magsy demanded. "Those people down there, they control our fate and the fate of every other mutant. Well, soon our fate will be theirs."

Up in the torch, Rogue picked that exact moment to start screaming. "Help! Please help meh! Damn, Ah sound lahke such a DID!" (1)

"You're so full of shit," Logan said to Magsy. "If you were really so righteous, it'd be you in that thing."

"HELP! SOMEBODY HELP MEH! …Whah am Ah such a screamer in this?"

Forge shrugged.

Magsy glared at Logan and rose himself up in the air, floating up to the torch.

Sabes stayed down with the X-Men and growled a lot. Mainly at Logan, who was squirming around and trying to get out of his bonds. After 5 or so minutes of getting absolutely nowhere, Logan pretty much thought, "Aw, F it," and shot out his claws straight through his chest. And out his back.

"Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," everyone flinched.

At least it cut through the bars. He retracted his claws and fell to the floor like a bag of sugar cane.

Up in the torch, the door opened and Magsy stepped in. He magnetically yanked up the handcuffs around Rogue's wrists, taking her up with them.

Sabes walked over to Logan and stared down at his body. He glared, growled, then bent down and picked him up by the collar. Logan's eyes snapped open and he shot his claws out and stuck them in Sabes's gut. Sabes roared and threw Logan out of the hole in the ceiling.

Logan flew out of the SOL's (Statue of Liberty for short) head and tumbled down, grabbing onto one of the spikes of the crown. Sabes jumped up through the ceiling and grabbed Logan by the foot, who twisted around and kicked him in the face.

Sabes tossed Logan onto the other side of the SOL's head. He rolled up and shot his claws out almost immediately.

BACK IN THE SOL…

"…Why does Logan get to do all the cool fight sequences?" Scott asked randomly.

"If it bugs you so much, why don't you do a cool fight sequence in the sequel?" Jean suggested.

"Ooh! I can totally do that!" Scott said excitedly.

"You do realize that the only reason why it's a cool fight sequence is because X23 does a cool trick in it, right?" Ororo said.

Jean shushed her. "Men have very fragile egos," she said.

"True," Ororo agreed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Scott and Forge demanded in unison.

BACK WITH LOGAN AND SABES…

Logan and Sabes fought some more, swinging and missing, missing and swinging, until Sabes finally managed to punch Logan in the chin with an uppercut, flipping him over.

"…Why does Logan always get his ass handed to him before he wins?" Scott asked randomly.

"If it bugs you so much, why don't you get your ass handed to you in the sequel?" Jean suggested.

"Ooh! I can totally do that!" Scott said excitedly.

"You do realize that while you get your ass handed to you, you don't win, right?" Ororo said.

Jean shushed her. "Men have very fragile asses," she said.

"True," Ororo agreed.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Scott and Forge demanded in unison.

John rolled around on the floor. "Too – much – dé – jà – vu!"

Up in the torch, Magsy had taken his gloves off and was holding his hands in front of Rogue's face. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Reallah?" Rogue asked.

"No."

"Thought so."

"Let the zap fest begin!" Bobby yelled, popping up out of nowhere.

"Yoah a dork, yah know that?" Rogue said.

"Actually, I'm not," Bobby said. "Because I am in no way any part of a whale's anatomy."

"Well, then, yoah an idiot," Rogue said.

"That works," Bobby said.

"Are you two lovebirds finished yet?" Magsy demanded.

"Speaketh not tha name!" Rogue yelled while Bobby shrieked like a Pietro.

"You're going to have to kiss him in the sequel," Magsy said irritably, "So you might as well get used to it!"

"Ah could always just chew a Dentyne Ahce," Rogue said.

"Yeah, you know what?" Forge said. "Uh-uh." (2)

Magsy rolled his eyes, shoved Bobby out of the torch, and grabbed Rogue's face.

Pietro ran in for no apparent reason at all. "Believe it or not," he said, addressing no one, "I'm not here to point out a pathetically obvious foreshadowing."

Then he saw Magsy holding Rogue's face and freaked. "Dear sweet Mike, it's coming true! It wasn't just a dream! Shitake mushrooms, my stepmom's gonna be my age!" He ran around and around the (very) small room, oblivious the fact that Magsy and Rogue were both giving him WTF looks – well, when they weren't writhing in pain and all.

"OhmyGod there's gonna be a baby!" Pietro stopped running and gasped. "Xavier's gonna die! Sweet Jezebel, he's gonna die! And there's gonna be a baby! Named Charles! I'm gonna have a baby brother named Charles!"

While Pietro ran around the tiny room some more, shrieking about Xavier dying and a baby boy and Wanda being 20 minutes older than him but so what and no one but him and Wanda and Remy and Scott objecting to the marriage which was just so wrong unless no one else was invited but then wouldn't Jean come with Scott anyway and – well, you get the idea; Forge, Kurt, Tabby, Remy, Bobby, and John were drawing straws to see who would have to go and try to calm the hyperventilating albino down.

"_MERDE!"_

Obviously, Remy got the short straw.

Remy approached Pietro warily. "_Homme_, can y' hear Remy?" he asked.

Pietro stopped screaming about no more cream puffs at the reception and spun around and stared at Remy. "Gambit!" he exclaimed, immediately grinning like a Chucky doll. He grabbed Remy by the arm and dragged him over to where Rogue and Magsy were still writhing in agony.

"You know Rogue, right?" Pietro said feverishly. "Date her. Marry her. Be the father of her children. For the love of Pixie Stix, BE THE FATHER OF HER CHILDREN!" He shook him by the shoulders. "You hang on to that woman, LeBeau," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "You hang on to her!"

Remy nodded the way one does to an escaped asylum patient.

Outside, Sabes threw Logan, who sank his claws into one of the spikes on the SOL's crown, spun around it, and landed on top of it. The tip of the spike fell off.

Tabby gasped dramatically. "You have besmirched the very symbol of our freedom!" she yelled. "BESMIRCHED IT!"

Logan ignored her and leaped off the spike, running all 6 of his claws into Sabes's chest and knocking him down. He was about to stab Sabes through the heart when Pietro decided to give Remy some dating advice.

"You know what you can do for a date?" Pietro said eagerly. "Go out and have-" Remy smashed the brick – **sedative** on Pietro's head. "-sex…on…the…beach…es," Pietro slurred, and fell over.

"WHAT DID THAT SKINNY ALBINO SAY ABOUT A BEACH!" Logan roared at Remy.

Remy cowered behind Rogue and Magsy, who surprisingly hadn't fainted yet. "He meant de drink!" he yelled desperately. "De drink!"

"Knowing Pietro, it's anyone's call," Tabby said, arbitrarily filing her nails.

Sabes took the opportunity to hurl Logan off the SOL. He slid down the side of the face until he managed to shove his claws in through the wall. They came out on the inside right in front of Jean's face. "I MISSED!" Logan yelled.

Ororo nodded sagely. "It happens to the best of us," she said.

Logan growled and started climbing back up the face of the SOL, muttering something about strangling Jean and grounding Rogue for life. Meanwhile, Magsy collapsed just outside the torch while Rogue and the machine rose up into the flame part of the torch.

Sabes jumped back down into the head of the SOL and walked over to Ororo. "You owe me a scream," he said.

"You're more than welcome to borrow my copy of Scream 3," Ororo said. "I thought I already told everyone that."

Logan jumped down into the head and snatched his dogtag off Sabes's neck. "This is mine, bub."

Sabes walked toward him, but Logan held up a claw. "One second." He faced the torch and yelled at Remy. "THERE HAD BETTER NOT BE **ANYTHING** GOING ON UP THERE OR I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE THAT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO WEAR A CUP AGAIN!"

Remy blew the walls of the flame apart. "Dere's not'in' happenin'!" he yelled frantically. He turned to Rogue. "Help Remy out here!"

"Sorry, Swamp Rat, Ah'm a little busy gettin' slowly and painfully **killed** raht now!" Rogue yelled, then went back to screaming.

Logan turned back to Sabes and held up Scott's visor. "Dropped something," he said cheerfully. "Jean."

"Scott, when I tell you, open your eyes," Jean said to Scott.

"No!" Scott said.

"Trust me," Jean said.

"No!"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"No!"

"…"

"No!"

Jean used her TK to zoom Scott's visor over.

"NOW!" Tabby yelled when they were an inch away from Scott's face. Scott opened his eyes, and the optic blast went right at Jean's face…

And careened off midair and instead hit Sabes, sending him flying out of the SOL and crashing onto a boat below.

"YOU AND YOUR (censored) (bleeped) (whoa) (you kiss your mama with that mouth) (sacre bleu) (blimey) (mein Gott) (what'd ye just say laddie) (ya crook galah) (ay carambe) (I probably spelled that last one wrong) TELEKINESIS!" Jamie yelled.

Everyone stared. "What?" Jamie yelled. "When you're as ignored as I am and live with bilinguists, you end up picking up a lot of swear words. Piotr never swears around me," he grumbled.

Logan cut off the bars around Scott's head. "Thanks," Scott said.

"Don't mention it," Logan said through gritted teeth.

"Sure," Scott said.

"No, really don't mention it," Logan said. "You're a foot away from me and I **still** missed."

"Okay, **now** I think you're just losing your touch," Ororo said.

"Maybe it's because he's stuck being Remy's dad," Bobby suggested.

Forge twitched.

"It's only for ONE MORE CHAPTER!" Ororo said exasperatedly.

"Yeah, but I'll still have a BLUE BUTT!" Forge yelled.

Bobby giggled like an idiot.

"There's **gettin'** inta character, and then there's **turnin'** inta yoah character," Sam said. "Ah think yah just crossed tha lahne."

"I shall have your head for such insubordination!" Bobby yelled, pointing a sword at him.

"…See what Ah mean?" Sam said. (3)

Logan, Scott, Ororo, and Jean stared up at the torch where Rogue was…actually, she looked pretty damn bored, if you ask me. I mean, it doesn't really get critical until she gets her white hair back. "We gotta get her outta there," Logan said. "Cyke, can you hit it?"

Scott put a hand on his visor. "The rings are moving too fast."

"Just shoot it," Logan said.

"I'll kill her!" Scott said.

"Just imagine," Kurt said dreamily, "If Rogue and Jean switched places right now…and we stole Scott's visor."

"Storm, can you get me up there?" Scott asked Ororo.

"I can't control it like that," Ororo said. "You could fly right over the torch."

"Then let me go," Logan said.

"…You'd fly right over the torch, too," Ororo pointed out.

"Yes, but it's essential to the plot that we send the ONE person that Magneto CAN control, rather than one who can jump in and blast it with no trouble whatsoever," Logan said. "Plus, if Jean screwed up on her TK then Scott'd be dead."

"…And that's a bad thing?" Ororo asked.

"Good point," Logan said.

"As good as an idea that is," Scott said, "This is not an X-ocracy. I am the X-tator, I will make the X-cisions, and I will deal with the X-onsequences!" (4)

"…Riiiiiiight," Logan said.

"Hang on to something," Ororo said as her eyes went all Storm-y and the wind started blowing harder and stuff.

And Logan, Scott, and Jean all went flying.

"I told you to hang on to something," Ororo said crossly as Jean used her TK to get her and Scott back to the SOL.

"Red!" Logan yelled from where he was about to fly into the blades. "A little help here?"

"Oops!" Jean said, giggling like a ditzy idiot and using her TK to get Logan to the top of the machine while that freeeeaky radiation stuff started spreading.

Logan jumped down into the machine and shot out his claws to destroy the machine. Of course, Magsy took that moment to get a sudden burst of energy and use his powers to stop Logan's arm in midair and bring it back.

Scott put a hand to his visor. "Scott, wait," Jean said.

"Okay," Scott said, and put it down.

"Whoo-pa!" Bobby yelled, making a whipping motion.

"Don't you mean wh-tch?" John asked, also making a whipping motion. (5)

"…Shut up!" Bobby yelled.

Magsy started bending Logan's claws back, so Logan decided to try the other arm. Of course, Magsy isn't an idiot, so it was just as hard with that arm.

Back on Ellis Island, the U.N. people were finally starting to notice the freeeaky radiation stuff and ran like chickens with their heads cut off. "What the fudgemonkeys?" Pietro the Mayor of New York said.

Kurt bamfed up into the machine and dumped a bucket of water on Rogue's head. "What tha HELL was that foah?" Rogue demanded.

"Your bangs," Kurt said innocently, pointing at them. They were, in fact, white now.

"Are yah tryin' ta tell meh," Rogue said in a dangerously low voice, "That all Ah had ta do ta get this stuff outta mah hair was DUMP WATER ON IT?"

Kurt held up a finger and opened his mouth, then closed it. "I just lost my train of thought," he said, tapping his chin. "Keep talking."

"So, whah didn' this work when Ah took a shower or somethin'?" Rogue asked.

"HA!" Kurt said. "I'VE GOT IT! YES…no…yep, I lost it again." (6)

Rogue, Logan, and Magsy all paused in what they were doing to give Kurt WTF looks.

Kurt snapped his fingers. "I got it again! And that's not just water, that's Propel! Grape flavored!" he added cheerfully.

"Ah HATE Grape," Rogue said.

"Well, that's the only flavor that'd get it out," Kurt said, and dumped another bucket on her.

"IT ALREADY CAME OUT!" Rogue yelled.

"That was for the smell." (7)

"Are yah sayin' that Ah smell?" Rogue demanded in her dangerously low voice again.

"Noooo, but the Propel does," Kurt said cheerfully.

"Yah got a point there," Rogue admitted, then went back to screaming.

"My work here is done," Kurt said, and bamfed out.

Down in the SOL, Scott put his hand back on his visor. "Jean, I have to!"

"Just wait!" Jean yelled.

"Okay," Scott said, and put his hand back down.

"WHIPPED!" Bobby and John said in unison.

"That is X-it!" Scott yelled at him. "I have an X-ot, and I am going to X-ake it!"

The camera suddenly zoomed in on Magsy.

"Translation: I have a shot, and I'm gonna take it," Ororo said. "Which is what he should have done in the first place."

Scott fired off an optic blast that hit Magsy right in the back and knocked him out. Logan then cut the machine apart, nearly slicing Rogue in the process.

The freeeaky radiation stuff disappeared, and everyone on Ellis Island breathed a sigh of relief. "What the HELL was that?" Pietro the Mayor of New York said.

"DIABLE était-il celui?" Remy translated (actually, that means "What the DEVIL was that?" Don't ask me, ask Babelfish).

"Was war die HÖLLE die?" Ditto Kurt.

"¿Cuál el INFIERNO era ése?" Ditto Robbie.

"Um, I will not be translating that," Piotr said uncomfortably.

Jamie, who had been standing right next to him, snapped his fingers. "Damn."

Back in the torch, Rogue had passed out…or away.

"_QUOI_!" Remy yelled.

"You never read the script, did you?" Tabby asked.

"Remy don' even have a full copy of de script," Remy said.

"Neither do I, but that never stopped me," Kurt said.

Remy started wailing. "M' chere's dead! Never t' open dose beautiful green – KILL PAQUIN – eyes of hers again! I HAVE NO REASON T' LIVE!"

"Dude, I think he's serious," Bobby muttered. "He's using first person."

"Aw, come off it," Forge said dismissively.

Remy grabbed his bo staff and held it over his heart dramatically.

"How about NOW?" Bobby said.

"Oh, come on," Forge said. "The tip's completely blunt."

This seemed to occur to Remy. So he tossed that bo staff aside and pulled another retracted one out of his trench coat.

"What's he doing?" Bobby stagewhispered.

Red bars of light sprung from each end. (8)

"Oh, shit, he's serious," Forge said. "PIOTR!" he yelled FF-ly.

Piotr came running in, took one look at Remy, and rolled his eyes. "He is doing it again?"

"Whaddya mean, again?" Forge asked.

"On April Fools Day, John told Remy that Rogue had gotten AIDS from Julien," Piotr explained.

"Ah," Forge said.

"Goodbye, cruel world," Remy said dramatically. "I bid y' _adieu_. For dis be m' Waterloo."

Piotr walked over and casually snatched the lightsaber out of his hand. "You are still having much to learn, my young Padawan," he said.

"But Colossus-San," Remy said tragically. "M' chere be dead!"

"…What's with the Japanese?" Bobby asked.

"Qui-Gon, Colossus-San," Forge said dismissively. "Potato, potahto."

"YOUNGLING MURDERER!" Tabby yelled at him.

Piotr handed Remy the script. He took one look at it and fainted.

"What'd he read?" Forge asked.

"Rogue playing foozball with Bobby," Piotr said.

"Oh."

"NOTHING HAPPENS!" Bobby exclaimed.

"Yes, but it hints at things to come," Forge said.

Bobby crawled into a corner and curled up into a ball. "I hate you," he whimpered, rocking back and forth.

Jubes tilted her head to the side. "…I think you just broke my boyfriend."

Back in the torch, Logan cut Rogue down from the machine and picked her up. "Come on, Stripes, wake up," he said. He noticed her white hair. "Ha! Stripes! I can call her Stripes again!"

"You already did," Forge said dully.

Logan took off his glove and put his hand on Rogue's face.

Nothing happened. Other than the fact that he looked reeeally weird.

So Logan held her against him, resting his chin on her forehead.

"Quick, someone take a picture," John stagewhispered.

Then Really Nasty And Über Fake (RNAUF) gashes appeared on Logan's face. RNAUF blood trickled down various parts of Logan's torso due to more RNAUF gashes there.

"…That's gross," John said. (9)

Rogue's eyes snapped open. Logan made a weird choking noise and let go of her, collapsing to the floor.

Magsy was also still passed out on the lower part of the torch.

Inside the SOL, a bunch of Random Cops were just getting in. John, making a cameo as That One Cop At the End, knelt and checked Evan the Not So Dead Guy's pulse. "Hey, this bloke's alive," John said. "Let's get him outta here." (10)

* * *

(1) – DID Damsel In Distress. Anyone who's a) seen the movie Hercules, b) read TF's ficcie **All Greek to Me**, or c) both should know that.

(2) – From **Mad TV**. The Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan rocketh), however you spell her name.

(3) – **The Cajun King** by me and Skysong. Logan's Mufasa, Remy's Simba, Forge's Rafiki, Ororo's Sarabi, Bobby's Ed. And next chappie Logan dies. Skysong stuck ME with writing the stampede…the WORST part in the entire movie…but it's all good. Oh, and in Skysong's **Quest For Sanity**, Bobby's King Arthur.

(4) – **Not Another Teen Movie**. Gotta love that movie.

(5) – **Friends**. I forgot which eppie, but Chandler can't make the whipping noise. He can only do "Whoo-pa!"

(6) – **Billy Boyd **and **Dominic Monaghan**. I dunno when they had this convo (I think it was during the commentary of one of the LotR movies), but Billy lost his train of thought…twice…

(7) – **Pirates of the Caribbean**.

(8) – À la Darth Maul from **Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace**.

(9) – In the movie **Fantastic Four**, Johnny aka the Human Torch says that about Reed aka Mr. Incredible after he stuck his entire arm under a door to open it.

(10) – That's screenplay writer **David Hayter**'s cameo. Yay now all of the Acolytes have done cameos! I'm happy.

Up next: The final chappie!


	9. And the Moral of the Story Is

**..: And the Moral of the Story Is… :..**

DISCLAIMER: "It's finally happened. You've gotten so gay you've finally looped right around back to straight."

* * *

At the Institute, Xavier blinked and woke up in the med lab. "Welcome back," Jean said. "I knew you'd find your way."

"I had you to guide me," Xavier said. "…Now I sound like I'm a blind man or something." He shrugged. "How'd we do?"

They both turned and looked over at Logan, who was unconscious and bandaged up and hooked up to wires and still covered in RNAUF cuts. "All this crappy makeup itches," Logan complained.

"Well, it's your fault the real cuts heal too fast," Forge said. "Now go back to being unconscious."

HOWEVER LONG LATER…

Jean was checking Logan's wounds. She lifted the bandages to find – gasp! – completely healed skin.

Logan woke up. "Get yer hands off me, saucy wench," he growled, smacking her hand away.

"How're you feeling?" Jean asked.

"I'd feel a lot better if I had some beer," Logan said.

"Not gonna happen," Jean said.

"Stingy little…" Logan muttered.

"That was a brave thing you did," Jean said.

"I know," Logan said, preening. "Doesn't a hero like me deserve a beer or two?"

"No," Jean said. "Thanks to you, we had to put up with some of your more charming personality traits from her."

"But you lived through it," Logan said.

"Barely," Remy said, whimpering at the memory.

"I think she's a little taken with you," Jean continued.

"Father-daughter ship ONLY!" Rogue yelled.

"Actually," Tabby said, "There are quite a few fics floating around that-"

"Do you have a death wish?" Rogue demanded.

"Calm down," Tabby said. "I'm just warning you. It's more often in movieverse, at least."

"Can we get back to the parody?" Ororo demanded. "It's almost over!"

"And then all that lovely Rahm begins," Forge said gleefully. "And I will still have ABSOLUTE POWER!"

"Only a Sit' deals in-" Remy began.

"I KNOW!" Forge yelled.

"Well," Logan said to Jean, "You can tell her my heart belongs to someone else."

"Logan-" Jean began.

"Save it," Logan said. "Breaks my heart just to talk about it."

"But-"

"It's okay," Logan sniffled. "I gotta be strong."

"I'm really sorry," Jean said.

"I know," Logan said. His lower lip trembled. "SHE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BIKE I'VE EVER SEEN!"

Kurt bamfed in. "To anyone who actually thought Logan was talking about Jean, please line up so I can slap you."

IN THE WAR ROOM…

"There's an abandoned military compound at Alkali Lake in the Canadian Rockies, close to where we found you," Xavier said to Logan.

"Ohhhhhh Caaaaaanadaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Bobby sang. Badly.

Everyone did their best to ignore him. "There's not much left," Xavier continued, "But you might find some answers."

"Thanks," Logan said.

"Are you going to say goodbye to them?" Xavier asked.

In the TV room, Rogue and Bobby were playing foozball with John and Ray…wow, that's a really pink shirt.

"It takes a real man to wear pink!" John said. "Besides, I hate my blond hair, and I can't possibly make it any worse."

Xavier, Scott, Jean, and Ororo watched the news on TV. "The Mutant Registration Act lost its main proponent today with the dramatic reversal of Senator Kelly," Pietro the News Reporter Dude said, "Who until this time had provided the loudest voice in the cry for mutant registration. Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah."

The TV showed Kelly walking through a sea of microphones. "Pause the TV in 5…4…3…2…1…NOW!" Pietro yelled as Kelly grabbed suddenly at his chest and his irises turned yellow.

Ororo paused the TV. "Mystique," she said unnecessarily.

"Son of a bitch," Scott said.

"Oooooooooooooh Scott said a BAD WORD!" Jamie yelled.

Jean slapped Scott upside the head. "Scott!" she snapped. "You're setting a bad example for the kids!"

Logan shouldered his backpack and paused at the door to watch Rogue play foozball. Then he opened it and went through.

Rogue heard the door open and immediately abandoned the game. "Aw, come on!" Bobby yelled. "We were winning!"

"You were only winning because she was playing, mate," John said.

Rogue caught up to Logan. "Hey!"

Logan turned around. "Yah runnin' again?" Rogue asked.

"No, not really," Logan said. "I have some things to take care of up north."

"Ah doan want yah ta go," Rogue said.

Logan took off his dogtag and handed it to her. "I'll be back for this," he said, then turned and left.

Scott's (Logan's) bike was parked oh-so-innocently just outside the gate. Logan looked at it, then around to make sure no one was watching, then got on and sped out of there.

IN MAGSY'S LITTLE PLASTIC CELL…

Xavier and Magsy were playing chess. Or, rather, Legion and Pietro told them what moves to make. (1)

"Rook to knight," David said. Xavier moved his rook and took Magsy's knight.

"Take the rook," Pietro said.

Magsy replaced Xavier's rook with his own. "Doesn't it ever wake you in the middle of the night, the feeling that someday they'll pass that foolish law or one just like it and come for you and your children?" he asked.

David turned into Ian, stared at Xavier, and pointed. Xavier moved a pawn. "It does, indeed," he said.

"Use your knight," Pietro said. Magsy replaced the pawn with his knight. "What do you do when you wake up to that?" he asked.

Ian turned into Lucas, who had a slightly manic gleam in his eyes. "Now attack the foolish knave, attack!"

"Oh, don't be so rude," David's voice said from Lucas's body. "It's just a piece of glass."

"Glass in the shape of a KNAVE!" Lucas said with a cackle.

"Really, you need to calm down," David's voice said.

"Shut up!"

"Now, that's not very-"

Lucas punched himself in the face. He fell over and rolled around on the floor, punching and scratching and even biting himself.

All three stared at him. "See," Magsy said. "My son's not that weird."

Xavier raised an eyebrow. "Charles Cody Lensherr!" he said to Pietro, who emitted a high-pitched squeal and ran around the room, screaming about cradle-robbing and the wedding and having a mom his age and all that stuff.

Then he tripped over Lucas (who was still grappling with himself) and slammed into the wall.

"And the moral of this story is," Tabby said. "Really powerful mutants have messed up kids."

Xavier and Magsy ignored her.

"I feel a great swell of pity for the poor soul who comes to that school looking for trouble," Xavier said, replacing Magsy's knight with a pawn.

Robbie the Unimportant Guard Dude came in to wheel Xavier out. "Why do you come here, Charles?" Magsy asked.

"Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answers?" Xavier countered.

"Oh, yes," Magsy said. "Your continuing search for hope." He nodded his head, and Robbie started wheeling Xavier out. "You know this plastic prison of theirs won't hold me forever," he said. "The war is still coming, Charles, and I intend to fight it…" He paused dramatically. "By any means necessary."

"And I will always be there…" Xavier said, also pausing dramatically, "Old friend.

Robbie wheeled Xavier out, and the plastic tube thing folded away behind them.

Magsy knocked over his own king.

"…Riiiiiiight," said Forge. "And that's a wrap!"

"Thank God, it's over!" Rogue yelled.

"Maybe for you," Bobby muttered. "Now I gotta be an Assicle!"

"That's what yah get foah bein' tha comic relief," Rogue said blithely.

Forge ran by with his RLLT (Red Lethal-Looking…Thing). "Anyone seen Rahm?"

* * *

(1) – Seriously, neither Patrick Stewart or Ian McKellen knew how to play chess. And the whole Lucas/David argument/fight bit is based on **PyroManaic**'s ficcie **School Life**. Well, they weren't arguing about knaves, they were arguing over Robbie answering a question, but…yeah. Just go read it, it's funny stuff!

And that's that. Please review! And I should have Redneck Shrek 2 up soon. Before August 26, at least. Cuz that's when school starts (I know, it starts on a Friday. Weird, no?) and I promised myself I'd get the next ficcie up before school.


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